25 songs, 25 different numbered final placings, and no questions - except one. You haven't actually watched Deal Or No Deal since 2007, have you?

25th - SPAIN. Because I've spent all day unfairly sticking the boot into Spain just because RTVE are a little bit inept and I may as well carry on. No other reason.

24th - GERMANY. Because Dita von Teese is comically pointless if she's not allowed to get her norks out.

23rd - ROMANIA. Because it's utterly dead in the water in that draw slot, and wasn't that good in the first place.

22nd - MALTA. Because one of the ballads just plain *has* to die horribly on the scoreboard, and it might as well be this one.

21st - SWEDEN. Because 46 points is a 21st place kind of score.

20th - ALBANIA. Because it's after Turkey and before Norway and midgets are easily overshadowed.

19th - ICELAND. Because it's the 724th slow song in a row, and half of Europe didn't see the first semifinal.

18th - CROATIA. Because it's the 722nd slow song in a row, and Andrea still didn't get the memo about dress code.

17th - DENMARK. Because Europe hates Irish people, so I gather.

16th - ISRAEL. Because Draw Slot 2 is still cursed.

15th - MOLDOVA. Because they stopped me getting 10/10 in the second Serviette of Death and I therefore hate them.

14th - PORTUGAL. Because it's really quite nice enough... yeah.

13th - LITHUANIA. Because there are really quite a lot of slow songs at the start of the contest.

12th - BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA. Because it's scarcely going to score a point west of the Alps.

11th - RUSSIA. Because they don't want to win it again, and would you want to argue with Prihodko and Putin?

10th - FINLAND. Because there's nothing remotely like it in the final, it has a superb draw, and their only good performance so far in Moscow came when it mattered.

9th - ESTONIA. Because it's the right song at the wrong time.

7th= - AZERBAIJAN. Because it would be a great two minute song and Aysel and/or Arash can't sing for toffee, apparently.

7th= - ARMENIA. Because nothing will p*ss the pair of them off quite as much as finishing tied for position.

6th - UKRAINE. Because I win money if it comes in the top 3 (ignoring Norway and Greece).

5th - UNITED KINGDOM OF STUFF. Because all the fates are conspiring in its favour and Lord LW must be wishing he'd actually spent a bit more of his time on writing the song.

4th - FRANCE. Because I had to place Ukraine 6th for the sake of a cheap laugh.

3rd - GREECE. Because someone has to be third, and it might as well be Sakis.

2nd - TURKEY. Because 100 million people will text their mate during Germany to say "You want to see this mad woman with her norks out!". And by the time they actually turn the telly to the right channel, they'll be watching Hadise and will think "Oj, I must have missed the norks. I shall vote for this in order that I get to see some reprise norks later on".

1st - NORWAY. Because Keith and the bookmakers haven't been significantly wrong about the ESC winner for well over a year.

So there you go. You don't need to watch it now! Unless you want to, obviously.