Ten more acts are poised to fight it out to secure a place in the Grand Final of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest. We'll be here again tonight from 8pm (UK/Portugal) - that's 9pm in Europe, 10pm local time to 'talk the shits' and generally help Europe (and beyond) work out which way to vote.

Mr Phil is in the hall and Mo will be luxuriating on a chaise longue while Demy's dancers drop peeled grapes into his mouth. Join us and pick holes in everything we say.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20177:26 pm

I too have an assistant to peel grapes in the frame of Tvs Mr Roy D Hacksaw who will feed me good!!

Were outside the the arena in the food and drink area. In shortly 🙂
Mo Fanning May 11, 20177:38 pm

Mel Giedroyc and Scott Mills will be on hand for BBC viewers, as they try to hold things together as another 18 acts fight for slots in the final.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20177:43 pm

They are in the it box recording a piece to camera. Their box is behind us about 10 rows.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20177:47 pm

I have to say I suspect Mel would work well if paired with her showbiz husband Graham Norton on the Saturday night affair. He’s been sounding very much like it’s a chore to commentate of late.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20177:49 pm

There is a DJ on stage. Pretending to DJ the PA….

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:02 pm

Tonight it’s hot air balloons, yodelling and a big lad singing a duet with himself.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:03 pm

More of those himbo hosts – I’m not keen – and I have the vaguest idea some British comedy writers penned their script. If so they deserve shooting. Although I am tempted to say ‘don’t blame your material, love’. Still we see thankfully little of them.

I’m not so sure about the jackets tonight.
Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:05 pm

Nan dancing!!!!!

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:06 pm

I can’t stop looking at Volodymyr’s shirt/jacket or shacket, if you will

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:13 pm

First up tonight we’ve got Serbia. I have to say I’ve not heard much of her in rehearsal reports – and that’s never a good sign. It seems like Tijana is happy to rip off bits of Katy Perry songs and stay stuck to the spot in a dodgy wedding frock. First one up and I think it’s a goner.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:14 pm

The six on stage rule makes it look like some random dancer strayed in and is having a fit in the background.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:14 pm

Austria brings us tiny but winsome Nathan Trent – I know he’s set many a pulse racing in Kiev.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:15 pm

Again no socks, did I miss a memo?

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:15 pm

Yeah mine :-). It’s a cracking song performed excellently.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:16 pm

He’s relying heavily on mugging at the camera and bouncing around on that giant moon. It’s a thoroughly ridiculous song, but very Radio 2, the sort of thing bland enough to offend nobody. I’d say this one is through.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:17 pm

Crowd are liking it and the Austrians are at the front. Let’s hope he doesn’t bugger up the high notes. He hasn’t so far.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:17 pm

Nice to see backing singers on camera

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:19 pm

Backing singers for Macedonia are off stage and there are 4 of them and the second backing singer is doing the work in the verses it seems from my seat.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:21 pm

Macedonian telly seems to have a special knack of ruining its chances with the staging. Everything always comes over a bit nudge-nudge, like it’s aimed at middle-aged men back from the pub. I loved this when I heard it first, but she looks so lost on the stage and that close up camera work that’s become a trademark of the contest this year only adds to it. Skippy and bland. I just don’t see this breaking their dreadful record – shame as on paper it should have worked. The backing singers do so much work it almost looks mimed.

And now we all know her ‘secret’, she’s not really dancing alone, is she?
Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:23 pm

Can’t confirm that though but it it might have been an assist from the backing singer. She really was singing and only one voice…

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:24 pm

4 off stage backing singers for Malta too but Claudia IS singing the notes 🙂

it might have to have some open heart surgery though because this WAS deader than dead…..
Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:25 pm

Malta – and that’s a fine rack on show for Claudia. She’s had it blown up for the lads at the back to get a proper look. When this song gets going, it’s not that bad, trouble is it seems to take two and half minutes to get there.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:27 pm

No backing singers on my side for this one. I fear it might not need them though because all the action is on stage.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:29 pm

Sadly qualifying because it’s batshit!!!!

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:29 pm

Like any sane person, I disown anyone who dares use comic sans. The same applies to other whacky fonts. It’s as if the glitter cannons, the yodelling and the nursery rhyme stuff just wasn’t enough, they had to throw one extra piece of the kitchen sink at the show. I’m sure it’s going through but it’s bloody dreadful.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:30 pm

And next it’s 1989….

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:33 pm

The Dutch have tapped into both sympathy and a hankering for the old days and you know what, it might just get through you know. It’s choreographed to within an inch but hell

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:33 pm

The Dutch have sent us three hockey players in evening frocks, one of whom is very much keener than the others on putting her goods in the shop window. You might think it’s Wilson Phillips on Gouda, but we’ve been told we should love it because it’s a tribute to their mother. Nasty frocks.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:35 pm

We’re getting Mel and Scott in a Scandi noir pastiche with Jon Ola.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:36 pm

Sad to see the hosts shackets replaced by something from Top Man

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:38 pm

Aaaanyway on with the songs. Hungary next. The crowd where we are are clapping along with this. Have we all misread the signs.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:39 pm

I really can’t get behind Hungary this year. It irriates the very heck out of me. I’m not sure if it’s the three songs in one thing, or the consciously hip vibe. And slapping a watering can on a scaffolding pole isn’t world music.

I think it’s going to qualify though.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:39 pm

This is a very effective show and even the rap can’t take it down a notch and even though it goes on a little bit too long it takes nothing away. That’s a good un.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:40 pm

Denmark next. 4 backing singers off stage.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:42 pm

5 backers. Sorry. Can’t count.

Though she’ll need a damn sight more than that in order to rescue this. One of he backing singers is helping out in the chorus as well with the main vocal.
Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:44 pm

Here’s another big up top lass, thundering across the stage. She’s big down under too, I’m told so there might be votes heading her way. Though she risks the Omar kneel – and we all know how that ended.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:46 pm

Ireland are ninth. He’s got his cheering clack in the audience but I feel that there is a lot missing in the song for it to do any business in this bit. There is a dead feeling in the hall and his voice is grating as well. This has all the hallmarks of disaster but with decent intentions.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:47 pm

Brendan for Ireland with a song he found at the bottom of a Westlife outtake box. He’s awfully pale. Serious eyebrow action. Mr Fanning just shook his head in utter despair.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:48 pm

Just wait till mr fanning sees the next 7 minutes!!!

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:50 pm

This is San Marino (I couldn’t point to it on a map) and rarely has there been such a cheesy slice of cruise ship lite entertainment on the Eurovision stage since … well last year’s entry from san Marino. It’s very Phoenix Nights.

Imagine you’ve wandered into a karaoke bar in old Kiev and as the drink flows, two people grow increasingly convinced they’re what we all need to hear. That’s this.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:50 pm

I wonder what spirits they were on when they agreed to sing this talking because I could do with some right now. Fans not actually going wild for this in the fanny zone at the front of the stage cos it’s actually shit. Energy yes. Song? Nah!!!

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:54 pm

The hall is stunned into silence for Croatia.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:54 pm

Well this is a delight

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:55 pm

This is clip show gold for years to come.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:56 pm

It’s like someone with a dreadful multiple personality disorder

Mo Fanning May 11, 20178:59 pm

There was something of a whinge last night after the special effects on the masked bloke didn’t work. They’re there tonight, and are about the most interesting thing going. Special effects overload, and I fear Houdek whipped everyone into such a state, a professional pop song will get lost.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20178:59 pm

Sorry is Norway on?? I’m still guffawing about Croatia, and that’s gonna be Europes feeling as well. That’s unfortunate.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:02 pm

You know you’re in trouble when the Swiss song starts to sound good. She does look like one of those toilet paper cover dolls come to life perched on top of a roll of primrose yellow Andrex. A few cute puppies might actually help distract.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:03 pm

It seems Big Bird has had a shat on her dress. This song is dull mind.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:03 pm

She’s lucky she never went a clacker on those steps in heals.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:09 pm

I’ve just not got this all season. Everyone seemed to like it. The Naviband duo are doubtless lovely people, but this sounds and looks like a French and Saunders sketch.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:09 pm

I love Belarus… this is fun and lovely and just what the contest needs. The crowd are singing along and it just looks like a riot of fun. I’m sure even Mr Fanning would be roused from grape peeling duties for a curly haired young lad???

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:11 pm

Also. Backing singers went mental at the end of it.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:14 pm

Bulgaria next. This should be winning this semi final by a mile Kris is absolutely smashing the performance like he did last night. Two performances is all you need

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:15 pm

One of the big favourites – which means every man and his boyfriend is gunning for little Kristian to fail. It’s still what it always was. An attractive modern ballad performed by a child with the voice of a man. It almost doesn’t work, but then it does and I still think this poses danger to Italy and Portugal. But he looked very alone.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:16 pm

Someone vey shouty in the audience.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:17 pm

Third last comes Little My from the moomins. Sport Fusedemarc. This is an in song from a woman that clearly sucks lemons for a living. The song starts well but goes nowhere fast. RDH thinks it’s qualifying. He’s wrong.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:18 pm

This Lithuanian noise needs to stop now. It’s like the theme to Homeland – only more shit. And she keeps flicking the v-sign at the camera.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:21 pm

Estonia going big in the hall. Back in the game after rehearsal one???

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:23 pm

I adore this song, it’s pure eighties happiness. They’ve even been giving out 12” vinyl promotional singles to tie in with the dated theme. Laura still looks like a refugee from My Big fat Gypsy Wedding, and lantern-jawed Koit keeps doing annoying gurns. But let it through, Europe. It’s nice.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:23 pm

Finally. Finally when it mattered Estonia pulled it together!!!! That’s sailing through on their silly boats.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:24 pm

And one of our housemates here has one of those twelve inch singles. He might not get it home.

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:25 pm

So as IBA technically don’t exist and Kan haven’t started yet, it’s the stateless entry!!!

Phil Colclough May 11, 20179:26 pm

Imri and his gay club anthem are doing what they need to do. Also Imri is getting help from from a backing singer off stage as well on at least the verses.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:26 pm

I love the literal ‘breaking me to pieces’ backdrop. Imri is cute as a button and built like a brick shit house. OK so there was a bit of yelpy wailing here, but in a dreary field, this works – and God knows but the final needs a few lighter moments. And given the IBA is no more, who knows when we’re next getting an Israeli entry.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:34 pm

So ten need to go through, and that’s quite hard becayse as entertaining as the shiw was – and it was vastly more entertaining than the first show – the songs were oretty bad.

Mr Fanning says:

Austria, FYR Macedonia, Romania, Denmark, Croatia, Norway, Belarus, Bulgaria, Lithuania and Israel

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:37 pm

My randomness:

Austria, FYR Macedonia, Romania, The Netherlands, Hungary, Denmark, Belarus, Bulgaria, Estonia, Israel

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:48 pm

Much filler on BBC4 but now we get to watch Apache Crew.

Mo Fanning May 11, 20179:51 pm

I have the feeling that hell is an endless loop tape of Eurovision interval acts.

Mo Fanning May 11, 201710:01 pm

Sometime tonight we’ll get results

Mo Fanning May 11, 201710:09 pm

Right, so it’s finally time for some results. The qualifiers are:

Bulgaria, Belarus, Croatia, Hungary, Denmark, Israel, Romania, Norway, The Netherlands and Austria.

Mo Fanning May 11, 201710:12 pm

Thanks again for being with us – back tomorrow.