So that’s Day 1 done then?

On Europe TV

Let me catch up with the vids at eurovision.tv – I know other sources of video footage are available, but I kind of trust the official ones not to be Cameraman on a Trampoline(TM) and to lose most of the roughest edges.

So Montenegro – and I see a great big red flashing alarm bell that I should have spotted six weeks ago. Euro Neuro doesn’t lend itself to live vocals. AT ALL. I’ll be wanting a lot of evidence that Rambo can pull this out of the fire from here, cause I think he’s nadgered himself. Pretty grim, and that disappoints me.

Iceland, well, Iceland. Not so much Light Your Fire! as Freeze Your Nads Off!, I fear. Man alive, these people want to win so much that it almost causes a stab of physical pain. It’s so far up itself that it nearly comes back out of its own mouth. I’m fearing this one.

Greece give me the impression that they’re less enthusiastic about winning. Let’s be honest, if it’s a fair representation of their plans (great big IF!) then its probably Greece’s worst since Klown. It looks very much like talent night at your local High School. Massively unimpressed and hoping that Rehearsal 2 will have a bit more meat to it.

Latvia. I’m a sucker for sunny brightly coloured set dressings, and Latvia has one so I’m predisposed to like it. On the other hand, Anmary isn’t the Mad Show Boys which still annoys me a little. Probably time to get over it… Europe just doesn’t care what people DIDN’T send. It seems… yeah, unexpectedly competent. As good as they could have done given the material which is, let’s say, not the most expensive cut of musical cloth on display. Enjoyable enough.

Albania in black and red. The Sofabet crowd will be looking at that and saying “I don’t care if your flag’s black and red, step away from the black and red, it will NOT help you”. Meanwhile, Rona, who doesn’t have a face for High Definition… oh my. I’m hearing Rona Nishliu, I’m seeing Mrs. Overall. This is not good, I shall have to pause and recompose myself. OK… leaving the cheap insults to one side, she seems to be singing the pants off this without too much effort. Casual.

Romania. Come on and dance to a Pfuri, Gorps and Kniri kind of… get up and dance to a Pfuri, Gorps and Kniri kind of funk… featuring Sunstroke Project. Sorry boys, all ingredients, no pudding, obvious finalists, unlikely to trouble the top 10. Let’s move on.

I would move onto Switzerland, but they appear to be in hiding. I expect they sang the phrases Sweem against the strim, waldest drim and the word Unbreakable many many many times. There’s not really too much that CAN go right or wrong there, so I’ll assume that not too much did.

Belgium’s is another not very good piece of filming, unfortunately, and I’m struggling to see beyond the echoey hall sound to what we’ll actually be getting on screen in 9 days’ time. She’s either Morgane or she’s Mélanie Cohl and it’s rather important to pick correctly when that’s your two-box round. I want to “Dis Oui” – but “Ik Heb Zorgen”. A-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Finally Finland. Pernilla’s childhood dream appears to have been coming 7th in a Melodifestival semi-final in the mid 2000-and-noughts, and here in Baku the dream finally comes true. Near enough. It’s a lovely song, but the cameramen and director are going to have to work their butts off to avoid it feeling like a very long 3 minutes of television.

So it looks – annoyingly – like Iceland were the best of the day by several metric landslides. What’s the weather like in the crater of Eyjafjallajökull at this time of year?

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