Despite being wonderfully grumpy on here over the years and in life in general, I do love the contest. It’s a showcase of songwriting talent, where several people watching TV can see you at your best.  And for the first three lines of this song, I thought it was how things were going to go but, God almighty Azerbaijan, I know you have a history of stretching the English language to its limit ... but this …?

There are lyrics in here that actually mean nothing. “Misty moon I'm your loon” and “I cross my heart, I tear down the firewalls, I cross my heart I am stronger than cannonballs” being some of my personal favourites. If you do a wiki search on the composer, you realise the lyricist was responsible for 'Running Scared' and 'Skeletons' and other Azeri crimes against the English Language, and you think to yourself “how on earth is this person still getting the gig?”

Musically, it’s written by Ser-Gay’s tune writer from 2016 ... so you know it’s not going to be too subtle and, indeed it isn’t.

It’s generic pop song beat number twenty-one, and is familiar without being plagiarism but, in all honesty, the juries should look at the lyric and mark it down immediately. They won’t – because Azeri innit. Don’t be too surprised, however, if it finishes bottom with the Armenian jury, and this year that could well be justified.

Phil’s Score – NIL points.

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