It’s Serviette of Death I tonight, the sixth annual contest of its type (oh dear me yes!), and by the magic of science I can now inform you what the 10 qualifiers on my doomy napkin will be. This year I’ve altered my technique; select the 7 which clearly aren’t qualifying, and then whatever remains, however absurd, we’ll be stuck with for another four days!
So, in no particular order, the first country which ISN’T sailing to the final is…
POLAND. The whole affair is a bit too dark, even for me. The violent undercurrent’s too close to the surface right from the start.
The second country which isn’t qualifying – who do you think? It’s…
LATVIA. It’s not a good solid performance, and based on last night they’ve picked the bit Aisha has most trouble with to be the 20 second reprise.
Let’s move on and pick another country that can head for home on Wednesday morning, and it’s…
MOLDOVA. I had such high hopes last Sunday morning when I last saw it on stage, but since then it’s degenerated into an incoherent shambles. Doomed as rice pudding.
Three gone, four still to go, and the next country not qualifying in no order is…
SLOVAKIA. Ooh. Controversial. But Kristina’s vocals have been shaky throughout, and it’s just not a presentation that I can envisage having wide appeal outside fan circles. Bookies have it top or nearly top of the semi. I think they’re wrong.
The next country not qualifying, moving on at a pace, will be…
PORTUGAL. Song’s 15 years out of date, and Filipa’s having trouble with it based on last night. A solid live performance could yet turn it round, however.
Two left, and it’s getting very tense in the green room now, so let’s get on with it. The sixth non-qualifying country is…
FYR MACEDONIA. I can’t see any particular reason why it shouldn’t qualify, mind, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be wrong on this one.
One envelope left. 11 countries, all hoping that they’re not the one in it. And the final entry not going to the final in no particular order is…
ESTONIA. It’s trying to straddle a line between quirky and silly, and just falls on the “silly” side of it. I blame the pianist.
So who does that mean’s going through to the final by the power of default? In draw order, it’s Russia, Finland, Serbia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Belgium, Malta, Albania, Greece, Belarus and Iceland. Well done to them. Warm round of applause.
Theoretical minimum score is 3 out of 10. I’m hopeful of 7.