It’s that time of the year again…
Do you know what? I’ve been having a look at this year’s runners and riders, and I’m not terribly sure that any of them are actually going to win this year. I have an number of compelling reasons why…
Albania
Because in a fit of vampiric hunger she’ll turn into an eagle, swoop into the crowd and pluck the head off that Israeli fan with the inflatable hammer who always waves it in everyone‘s way. A popular move in the hall, but never a vote winner on the telly.
Armenia
Because Vitaly Klitschko wants his glove back.
Austria
Because Trackshittaz have kidnapped the poor lass and tied her to their tractor in a fit of loser’s pique.
Azerbaijan
Because Niggar’s (are we allowed to call her that now?) gangster husband is going to take offense to that young man pawing his missus and arrange a disappearance…
Belarus
Because actually, people DON’T like Belarus.
Belgium
Oh come on – you have to ask? And anyway, Bible Club looks like it’s running late, so they probably won’t be able to make it.
Bosnia
Because it was time for his nap and he slept through.
Bulgaria
“Hello Poli? This is Pink on the phone. Did you get a call from my lawyer yet?”
Croatia
Because it’s not very good.
Cyprus
Because the swinging lamp camp adrift in the dress rehearsal, sadly decapitating the first three rows of the audience. It was a terrible affair.
Denmark
Did you ever see anyone get eaten by their own haircuts?
Estonia
Because the maths police raided backstage thirty-eleven seconds before they were due on stage.
Finland
Because he forgot Belarus…
France
What, an opera song win Eurovision? You’re having a giraffe!
Macedonia
Because being a big star back home doesn’t necessarily mean anyone else cares about you.
Georgia
Because only spooky goth kids listen to this kind of stuff, and they’d rather be seen dead than watching Eurovision. Come to think of it, they’d rather be seen dead full stop!
Germany
Because it would appear that they’re desperately trying not to win while pretending to put a lot of effort in at the same time.
Greece
One song at a time, please.
Hungary
Because she decided that running in the 4:45 at Kempton Park seemed like a better chance of success.
Iceland
Because sympathy can only stretch so far.
Ireland
Because the massed ranks of East European grans will be too bewildered at what they’ve just witnessed come voting time be have the gumption to pick up the phone and call in for them.
Israel
Things ain’t what they used to be… (Fill in your own jokes…)
Italy
Because he wasn’t even the best chicken impersonator in the contest this year!
Latvia
Right then, tell me how it goes. No cheating! How does it go? You can’t, can you!
Lithuania
Anyone seen a tune anywhere around here? I’m looking for a tune? You seen it Mrs Lithuania? Oh sorry, clearly not…
Malta
Because Peter Andre wants his trousers back.
Moldova
Surely songs this good are too good to win Eurovision? And anyway, their hats were too tall to get through the stage doors. They’ll still be stood there waiting to go on Sunday morning.
The Netherlands
No reason. You just know that it won’t.
Norway
Because her grandma didn’t tell her about the somewhat old fashioned tendencies of the East.
Poland
This year’s song that nobody hates, but nobody votes for.
Portugal
Because the biggest struggle for them will be getting votes.
Romania
Because his other video was far more popular…
Russia
Because the boy Saade wants to punch him into the middle of next month by the sound of it – and by then he’ll have missed the contest.
San Marino
Are San Marino in it again this year?
Serbia
“Hello, this is Duffy. Pink gave me your number…”
Slovakia
Because twice dreadful is far worse than just dreadful on its own.
Spain
Because there aren’t enough Galicians on the planet to diaspora this one up.
Slovenia
Because as they keep telling us, no one likes them – although I prefer to think it’s because that no one ever remembers them.
Sweden
Oh dear, it would appear that they set the charges a bit too high this time. Anyone got a mop and bucket?
Switzerland
Because nice girls never come first.
Turkey
Because it’s so witlessly dreary everyone’s blood will slow down to a near stop and we’ll all nod off.
Ukraine
Wow, that was a fantastic sand act! A song, you say? Was there a song?
UK
Oh bugger, we might just do it this year. Hang about, Lee Ryan is bound to say something untoward and get into all the papers! Phew!