Mr Phil explains Eurovision 2014 – 10th – 6th

10th Spain – OK-ish result for Spain. Fans wanted more, bit if you can’t actually DANCE in the title of the song – you’re a bit screwed. Shouty Ballad gets shouty placing.

9th Denmark – Home town result. Song not strong enough to threaten and, whilst they looked like waiters, they didn’t serve the optimal dish to the voters. Underdone.

8th Russia – Delegation feared the worst, but escaped with average placing of an average song, sung very badly.

7th Norway – This was going to win? – Never in a million years. Carl looked too pained and song too painfully for this to do anything special. Flattered to deceive.

6th Ukraine – Result the song deserved. Nothing overblown, just a very good pop song that connected all around.


  1. It’s in this section of the results that it all went a bit weird for me. Norway in 7th is fine but I’d push everything else down the list and promote the following into positions 6, 8, 9 and 10: Azerbaijan, Finland, Malta and the UK. Btw, is it true that Conchita in (South American) Spanish slang means ‘little fanny’ and Wurst is German for ‘sausage’? Who says Tom Neuwirth doesn’t have a sense of humour?!!! PS: My friend Tarquin says your new colour scheme is “snazzier than a whore’s attic”.

    • In some parts of South America, notably Argentina, “concha” is slang for vagina. Conchita would be “little concha”, or “small vagina.” Elsewhere, it’s a proper nickname for women named Concepción.

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