So, another very short day in rehearsal land, or Sweden as we call it, With just the Big 5 and Sweden doing their second rehearsals before they all get tomorrow off to get ready for the Turquoise Carpet, that no one in this house is going to cover live but there is every chance we might do a quick upsum of the goings on from the screen for those of you normal enough to have a life!
United Kingdom
OK – so lets get this out of the way now so I never have to mention it again. Yes, the video does look like a porn film, probably a Triga production from “Bad boys do their twink in the shower” and yes it makes the whole thing look just a touch poofy . That’s for the uninitiated. For the initiated, the first thing I have to say is “Greece and Cyprus sell you sex on a stick most years with women, it’s not just straights that like this contest you know”.
it’s a TV show that means you have to be remembered to get votes, no matter *how* you achieve that and Team Olly has decided to do that with a bit of a revamp of the song in the 30 second clip that we were treated to and a LOT of heavy suggestive choreo. Unlike most years, I’ve no doubt about his singing abilities or the teams ability to sell this to anyone wanting to buy it but, as ever, the more conservative with a small c nations might not like it… then again, after all the shit Olly has been put through by the “fans” in his own country, I can’t blame him for giving it 100 percent and not caring!
Germany
I’m reviewing these in the order that I have seen them on twitter so they may not align with the official video at the top of this page. Germany is a nice song, sung by a cheeky chappy who is lovely to interview apparently and OH MY GOD THE HOTEL IS ON FIRE – MUM?!?! – Sorry, those of you outside the UK won’t understand me lapsing into peak Jane Rossington and, frankly, I don’t care!
Issak is always on the run from something and is a bit of a pyromaniac as well with this staging and I don’t quite get it from the 30 seconds that we see. I *think* he is describing his life and stuff but I am, like you, only guessing. At least this would have been the best performance of the three he’s done today.
Spain
TVE have given us the first 30 seconds to look at and, frankly, it doesn’t do this horror any justice at all. IF Olly was giving off porn vibes, then Nebulossa is giving off Lola Ferrari if she was 95 vibes. Seemingly a Readers Wives page in Razzle has lost it’s cover model cos she’s “singing” on stage. It’s all clearly aimed for the gays, specifically those who know what a Fag Hag is, and it’s very good at doing that. What it’s going to do in a contest setting, though, is anyone’s guess because this seemingly doesn’t have a good tune and is just one idea. It;s not so much a song as a “performance” I guess and don’t get me started on the backing dancers or i’ll be here till next Eurovision. Spain have clearly lost their way and this proves it. The EBU then, after I wrote this, gave us another snippet Mid-Song and it gets no better. The vibe she’s giving off is a cross between Cilla Black and Bag O Chipz and I know which one I prefer!
France
This is still someone who can sing – unlike you Nebulossa and, of course, France Televisions have decided to show us the thirty seconds where Slimane steps back from the microphone to prove he has a voice box – something anyone that has seen any of his other shows will already have known.
I love this song, It’s well crafted sung by someone who has a bag full of talent. What I don’t think it needs, however, is for him to act like a massive bellend, step back from the microphone and, effectively, go ” Look at me, I can sing without the aid of a microphone”. Good for you mate, and the juries are going to definitely mark it UP if they follow the correct criteria. However for your televoter it does just come across as someone showboating a touch too much and that could stop them throwing it some love.
Italy
Italy is definitely looking the part but inside the first ten seconds of the clip that RAI have given to us I have gone “ouch” on two occasions. Angelina seems a little bit pitchy and a little bit high but, in this song, that doesn’t really matter if she gets the rest of it right I *guess*.
She also sounds very breathy, almost as though the performance has taken it out of her at this point in the song, or she needs to borrow a Ventolin inhaler from one of the backing singers to get through the rest of the song! I am worried for the health of her respiratory system, I reckon she is going to pull this out of the bag, but she’s gonna have to improve lots.
Sweden
The last thing that I saw today, before ripping my eyes out, was Sweden. God almighty this is slicker than an oil slick isn’t it! – The boys have zero personality, a song which has been written using a template from circa 2014 or so, and the staging from Benny Ingrosso’s failed attempt at being better than his mother.
And yet there is something about it that is going to make a damn good show opener – at least then we can get it out of the way I reckon. You can almost see them counting to eight in their head, (and if they can get that far I’d be amazed), but it’s just so wooden for me it hurts. Europe won’t care – they’ll see and hear a pop song so they’ll be sticking two fingers up to me no doubt!
This is going to do well on the scoreboard because its just a good song.
Ukraine almost always pulls it out of the bag with staging when the big show comes around. I can’t say for sure why, but this year’s song left me cold.
The Irish wanted a song, a voice and a show. The Swiss have just that.
As a song it’s totally predictable and safe and not winning, precisely what SVT want because this thing costs a lot of Kroner but the gays and the Swedish mums will love it. Norwegians will be glad they fucked off and decided to sing for some other poor saps. 
I don’t think I’ve ever given Sweden nul points before. It’s hard to explain just how much I detest this song after two or there great years.
I’m not often stumped as to what toi write here – but in the grand tradition of my mother, if you have nothing nice to say, say nowt – so I will.
I don’t care what Mr Phil says, I’m giving this a (rare this year) maximum score.