W
ell I’m back with Hercule Poirot and the Celestial Toymaker to look at today’s rehearsals.
It’s first rehearsal of semi final one so it must be Montenegro who have a permanent residency on that position. I
Franko: I can’t make up my mind whether this man is a genius or a madman. The two are often related in Eurovision. He chants through his somewhat un-radio friendly song with what appears to be the wooden horse of Troy on stage with a strange grin on it’s face. Well that’s one way to piss off the Greeks. Of course it could just be Dobbin from Rent-a-Ghost having some harmless fun. There’s a big dial in the background counting down, possibly to remind you that precious moments of your life have been lost listening to this. Vocally sounds awful.
Poirot: I think it has a pleasing symmetrical beat that agrees with my sense of order and method.
Franko: But is it any good?
Poirot: No it is complete crap
Franko: Toymaker?
Toymaker: I want to kill him..
Franko: I dare say you’re not alone.
Verdict: Montenegro have a tough enough qualifying by going first and all the other Yugo countries being in the other draw without entering something that not even the singer would like. Have a nice trip home… probably by donkey because Montenegrin TV can’t afford the fare.
Ordinarily I’d give anything drawn second as much chance as I’ve got of growing a third testicle but given what it follows and the fact that it’s actually quite good you’d be foolish to write off Iceland. Ice is what you get both sonically and visually which is very effective. We know they can sing and they present it with no nonsense which is relief.
Poirot: I prefer happy songs. It eeze a beet too gloomy for me.
Franko: Toymaker?
Toymaker: I want to kill them… I thought the volcano had already killed everyone in Iceland. I need to pay that land a visit….
Franko: ok…..
Verdict: surefire finalist. Probably die from hyperthermia when it gets there…
Mix together the last 10 Greek entries and it would look and sound something like Aphrodisiac. Eleftheria couldn’t sing if the Greek economy depended on it but sadly it will still finish in the top 10 because loads of Greeks will mobilise around Europe and skew the vote like they do every year. Unless Eurovision can deal with this nonsense happening every year, it will never completely be credible.
Poirot: At least they dance symmetrically
Franko: Toymaker?
Toymaker: I want to kill her….
Verdict: Go back to the drachma and do us all a favour…
My first thoughts on hearing the Latvian rehearsal are: where is this beautiful song of which she speaks… Only Eurovision fans are going to listen to the lyrics and get it. If you wanna get out of a tough semi-final you need something memorable, especially from early in the draw and this is about as memorable as watching paint dry in Runcorn….I can’t think when Latvia lost the plot in this contest… probably about the time that they won it.
Monsieur Poirot stop drooling over her breasts!
Poirot: I was merely noting their pleasing symmetry. the song was shit by the way…
Toymaker: I want to kill her
Franko: well that’s an original opinion…
Verdict: stag weekends in Riga are off. my a**e has got more chance of getting a phone call from Mick Jagger than she has….
Ever wondered what an earache set to music would be like? Listen to the Albanian rehearsal and you’ll find out. She appears to have a strange fungal growth coming out of her hair or they could just be the remains of the coloured balls from the venue in Oslo two years ago. Sound wise she’s not unlike Madam Edith from the cafe Rene. I’m glad she’s not the last thing I will hear tonight…
Poirot: It is not to my taste I prefer French music
Franko: Toymaker? (hopefully)
Toymaker: I want to kill her
Franko: quite
Verdict: even the Balkan votes can’t save this. I’d rather eat my own sweetbreads than listen to it again…
Well this one’s better.
Poirot: really?
Franko: no but I’m trying to give myself the will to go on. Much as I loathe it though, it’s probably the least dull so far and does actually have some choreography. the vocals are as ropey as my old school gym and stink just as badly. Look somebody’s got to qualify even if gets about 5 votes…
Poirot: I don’t think she has many little grey cells
Toymaker: I want to…
Franko (interrupts): kill her?
Verdict: very likely going to hear this twice and never neither it nor her ever again….
Rest of day one and day two tomorrow when my technical difficulties have stabilised.
Franko