Plumbing the nether regions

The Toppers
The Toppers shined on stage, literally. Photo: Indrek Galetin (EBU)

Phil: This, again, is everything you thought it would be and then considerably more so. The Toppers have the suits with lights on that flash in sequence, they have the big burly backing singer who’s sex should be in question – They have the 1970’s dance movements – the only thing they lack is a song … but … there are people that like this sort of thing. I suspect they should be safely locked away from sharp instruments like mobile phones when this airs. And where on earth did they get the backing singers from?!

Franko: Performed by three ageing, fat Les Dennis‘ fan club members accompanied by three people who’s gender I can’t absolutely determine without a closer physical examination … euugghhh. The three men wear suits with lights on them and hand-torches (don’t you know the Slovenes failed with that already?). The song is foul and sugary tripe. Absolutely the worst thing that ever got entered in Eurovision, and yet somehow it won the Dutch competition by a landslide. Seems like there might even be enough insane people in the world to vote it through to the final where I hope it is roundly trounced and confined to the cesspit of history from whence it came!