Yes we’re back after another night of scabby food and beer at the Euroclub. How are you this morning?
Ralph: feeling a bit ruff
Drashig: hale and hearty
Ralph: you stink Drashig, when are you going to have a bath?
Drashig: I had a douche from Walter.
Ralph: that’s not quite the same thing.
Franko: shall we get on….
Bosnia
AS near as possible a reworking of the national final performance except that only two of them seem to use the stage, Dino and the trumpet player. The others look like someone super-glued their shoes to the left hand side of the stage and they can’t move. It’s Bosnia and it’s catchy which is probably all it needs to get to the final
Ralph and Drashig: Dino? does that mean he’s got lots of bones?
verdict: surefire qualifier
Austria
There’s never been any doubt that the girl could sing but is the song just a bit too Disney to do well and drawn second? She appears to be standing on the Koh-i-noor so could be looking to make a quick getaway after the peformance. The unflattering black smock and haircut make her look like she’s been hanging out with Good King Wenseslas. Some care needed there I think.
R&D: Is this a new kind of dog whistle? We quite like it.
Verdict: would like to say yes but I think she wasted her fare.
Netherlands
They obviously couldn’t be bothered to dress up. It’s almost identical for me to Love Bugs that sang for Switzerland 3 years ago. And like that (nice though it is) it’s the sort of song and band that can easily accidentally not qualify.
R&D: Bet their nether regions smell worse than ours.
verdict: sorry but no cigars
Belgium
I’m happy to say that this sounds awful. I want to hurt them and every smug bone in their bodies. I dearly want them to die in a horrible, painful accident. If I end up anywhere near them I won’t be responsible for my actions as blood will be shed.
R&D: kill kill kill kill
verdict: without love
Slovkia
I’m happy to report that the Twiins can sing and the presentation of the song isn’t quite as cutesy as I feared. Stick with things the way they are and there’s hope for Slovakia’s first appearance in the final for 13 years.
R&D: what are those two round shapes they’ve both got on their fronts?
verdict: still hopes of a Bratislava spring
Ukraine
I’ve always thought that this was a dead cert to qualify and probably top ten when it gets there. The vocals are spot on and Ukraine always put on a show. The sand woman is fascinating but I keep expecting Mika to yell “f**k off bitch this is my song”. Having a huge pair of arms meandering across the backdrop is just plain weird and makes me think of Gullivers Travels. Less said about the dress of the sand woman, the better.
R&D: Don’t hit us big lady
verdict: pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain
Moldova
And talking of weird. A uni-cycling trumpet player? That’s just showing off. Moldova clearly haven’t forgiven them for not winning with Grandma 6 years ago and have made them all wear dunces hats. The visuals in the background are impressive though and fit in with the general mayhem.
R&D: we’ve got no idea what’s going on
verdict: wouldn’t bet against it on their reputation but blimey….
Sweden
General consensus is that this didn’t go well and I wouldn’t be sorry. However much as the glass breaking stunt didn’t come off, I did think the vocals weren’t as bad as people were making out. There’s much more mileage in this unfortunately. I’m getting the same vibe about it that I did about the Russian and Greek debacle back in 2008 and look what happened to both of them…..
R&D: We said we wanted a bone not a boner…
verdict: almost certainly top 5
Cyprus
WTF? Now I like this song but there are some strange things going on here. A woman swinging what appears to be a ball and chain and tied up with rope. I’ve heard the phrase “money for old rope” but this taking things too far….The graphics seem to be killer gemstones which are slowly creeping up on our singer and moving in for the attack as well as a lot of balloons on sticks. I’m not sure what the symbolism is but it is quite striking. The boys seem to have borrowed Sakis’s foot clamps from a couple of years ago.
R&D: It’s making my head hurt
verdict: sorry not a chance. Back to not qualifying.