Toto and Gigliola talk Eurovision 2012 – Part 1

Excuse the radio silence peeps but I’ve had an enforced sojourn to Newcastle and Cambridge where I was somewhat less well off than back here in beautiful Croydon.. er hum..

Anyway since last we met the Belgian authorities have arrested Monsieur Poirot for his activities in the Belgian orphanage and Kryten has regrettably had to teleport back to Red Dwarf to free Lister’s appendage from the vacuum cleaner again.

gigliola totoIn their place we have your favourite Eurovision presenters all the way from Italy. Toto Cotugno and Gigliola Cinquetti

 

Franko: hello both

Toto: ciao

Franko: doesn’t that mean goodbye?

Toto: si

Gigiola (stares blankly) he he

Toto: where isa the bottla brandy? Itsa the only reason I binna coma

Franko: austerity measures means only official presenters get the brandy Toto. Shall we crack on with the songs we have a lot to get through? In the best tradition of your benchmark presenting, we’re going to follow the remaining countries haphazardly around Europe, starting with Englebert from the United Kingdom

Toto: You hava the Janus again?

Franko: No Englebert (shows photo)

Toto (grimaces) he no looka da fun

imageFranko: It’s a good performance and Arlene Phillips choreography is much in evidence. The dancers are great as is the backdrop. I not sure about the last note , I had to take a large gulp of brandy after that. He won’t disgrace us as he’s a professional but I fear for his chances of doing really well given that note and the first place in the draw. Only 3 acts have ever one from first place under the 12, 10, 8 voting system and they were all nonsense songs. a ballad from that position has traditionally not faired well as poor Paradise Oskar found out last year. Still his loss is the Finnish McDonalds gain….I hear he charges rent for extra services but we won’t go there. Apparently Englebert has his fair share of knickers thrown at him. I trying hard not to imagine the crusty, worn undergarments of the Babushki at this point… Toto?

Toto: hesa notta my kinda guy. I lika the good fella if you knowa whatta a mean? You introduca me to the Janus again?

Gigliola: I been meet him many years ago. he did a show in Napoli. He wasa the gentleman. he never beena tell…..

Verdict: He might be looking Blue by the end of Saturday but he might get the odd hump

filipasouza1Franko: now Portugal have been doing this a long time now and seem to enter 2 types of song 1: the kind of enthnicy pop song 2: the morbid Portuguese ballad. It’s ballad time again this year after last year’s silly foray into picket lines. I do like it but i just long for Portugal to let go and embrace their multi culturalism instead of being so inscrutable all the time. By the time the backing singers “move” forward on the stage, most of the world will be asleep. they certainly will in Baku because it will be morning… i really long for Portugal to do well if only to give poor Pedro a long overdue orgasm but it sadly looks as likely as me giving good Queen Bess one on her Diamond jubilee…

Toto: now she isa a better. I like the continental girla. We canna maka the duet and a lovely music

Gigliola: Itsa lika my song. The ona in 1974 yes? Itsa nice butta dated

Verdict: tough semi, may not be their year alas…

imageTo Portugal’s near neighbour. They haven’t had much luck in recent years, in fact very little since 1969. A good dictator may be what they need, though I don’t think Sasha Baron Cohen would fit the bill. I left reading the label on the brandy at this point “smooth with a hint of sweet raisins and vanilla”. Well it’s more interesting than the song or the singer to be honest. yes it’s a good long note but that doesn’t win you Eurovision these days, especially when the rest of the song is as dull as a Paella with no seafood…I’m reminded of Franco’s deathbed conversation:

Franco: what’s all that noise?

Advisor: it’s the people they have come to say goodbye.

Franco: why? where are they going? This is certainly going a need a little something to save it from a coffin on Saturday night.

Toto: I lika da Spanish girls. they gooda ina bed

Gigliola: I want to give her top mark. It’s four out of ten is top?

Franko: no ten.Do you want to give her ten?

Gigliola: no four

Verdict: as much chance of winning as a rapid recovery in the Spanish economy

imageHmm. Methinks somebody is trying really hard to copy Eric Sade’s success of last year only with less style and a less catchy song. If it’s possible to sound worse than Eric, Tooji succeeds.It’s all a bit limper than a lettuce leaf in an English salad on a hot Summer day. I’m sure some people will vote for it. Well someone in semi final two has gotta score, God help us…just feels like he’s just going through the motions and even he isn’t convinced by it.

Toto: I no understanda the modern pop

Gigliola: lika da toyboy 🙂

Verdict: definitely not a case of hug a hoodie. Be off with you and send someone who can sing next year!

imageAnd so to the hot favourite…. sigh..which are always words to strike terror into any Eurovision reviewer. Oh dear. I think I preferred Eric.What is this. I heard better than this in bad discos in the 90’s and I went to really ropey discos. She looks like an unfortunate breeding experiment between Kate Bush and a lap dancer. the lap won I fear. In a contest where you depend on making a connection with your audience why would you enter someone who’s face is constantly covered by hair and shrouded in darkness? I’m not sure what the weird dance moves she’s doing are but they do little to distract from the quite honestly dreadful dirge she’s “singing”.

Toto: whatta isa that? Urrrggghhh

Gigliola: Itsa liva sculpture yes?

Verdict: Ewwwwwww. That’s all I can say

joanfranka3And what’s this? Not only a song I like but also a Dutch song I like which is an extreme rarity indeed. Shame she looks like a reject from How the West was Won but i guess when you’ve tried everything else you could do to get yourself noticed then only self-ridicule is left. And it has to be said that it’s the best chance for a Dutch presence in the final during the semi-final era. Whether it will be enough, who knows. perhaps they should try locating some of the people who vote for them in the Junior ESC as that seems to serve them well. The song could be right out of Woodstock or an old Joni Mitchell album. You’d have to feel for them if they didn’t make it…

Toto: i lika da feathers

Gigliola: hmmm (smiles)

Franko: any comments?

Gigliola: (smiles)

Verdict: They’ll probably get screwed again, which is more than be said for the Babushki

imageGermany have really got the hang of this now. they’re on a roll. Regardless of which is my absolute favourite, this is probably the song I’ll remember most fondly. It’s simple, it’s a good song sung by a good singer. No gimmicks, no messing around, no silliness. It’s as damn near perfect as you’re going to get in this contest. And at the risk of a return to Dusseldorf (which is one of the world’s most tedious cities), I wish it every success.

Toto: itsa nica

Gigliola: (hums Standing Still): perfecto

Verdict: great strides

imageFranko: now it’s not often I say this, but i love the French entry. I know they try very desperately to recreate the homo-erotic overtones of the video (albeit with a little more modesty) but the song ticks all my boxes. Stage acrobatics help distinctly for a song like this, though gym was never quite like that when I was at school….

Toto: I lika da dance song. I produca her?

Gigliola: I don’t understand

Franko: never mind Gigliola

Verdict: my endorsement undoubtedly means it’s doomed. Not a prayer on Saturday

imageWait 15 years for an Italian entry and then 2 come along at once.This it has to be said was my pick for winner before all of this started and I can see nothing stopping it from being top 3 for sure. It doesn’t need to do more than it does. The song evokes Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday mixed with a dining out experience at your favourite Italian restaurant. the backdrop is very 60’s.

Toto: complimenti!

Gigliola: We presenta again next year?:

Verdict: only political voting will stop this one

More coming up from Toto, Gigliola and Franko later ….

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Anonymous
Anonymous
11 years ago

I jolly well hope the Babushki DON’T throw their smalls at The Humpster. They’d probably give him a concussion.