
OK, so we’re used to there being a few cases of lumpy language and dubious translations every year at Eurovision, but this year the denizens of mangled English and curiously bad poetry have surpassed themselves. Heavens, the Polish song alone has enough songwriting cliches to sink a battleship, and even the songs written by native speakers have their own badges of shame to wear.
So here’s what we consider to be the worst, most protracted, or fist-gnawingly cringeworthy lines in each of the submitted songs this year. I’d make sure that you’re sitting down on a soft chair first though…
Albania
For the life of me I refuse to be anything but free
Armenia
Take it from my heart it’s going to be your beat, take it from my soul it’s going to be your heat
Australia
I can tell by your eyes that you want more than this, but can we be much more beyond these sheets?
Austria
Hey now, if you let me drown I’ll swim like a champion
Azerbaijan
I can only trick you once, bad boy, have my lungs, my millions
Belarus
Present day will become a birth of new wills and better thoughts
Belgium
I could never leave you and the city lights, I could never beat the storm in your eyes
Bulgaria
Fear of tomorrow, feelings we borrow, for a time
Croatia
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything’s a miracle
Cyprus
When you’re flying high, I’m gonna raise you up till you touch the sky
Czechia
Now that you are falling, let me be your calling
Denmark
Tonight I’m gonna show you, show you what I’ve done, I’m laying down my armour, laying down my gun
Estonia
This Western type of woman, Western Type of man, disappeared in Verona
Macedonia
I gotta feel good in saturation, and I’m the only one who knows
Finland
Don’t nestle here, go find lovers of your own, I am now alone
France
What you think is death is an inferno, and nothing more
Georgia
Don’t let nobody turn you down, even if the world is rough
Germany
I come alive inside the light of the unexpected, maybe I thrive
Greece
Watch the river running dry, now it’s time to say goodbye
Hungary
God spoke to me when I was four years old, he put a real gun in my hand
Iceland
I know I wasn’t part of a plan, I know you think that you’re being a man
Ireland
No one can promise that love will ever learn how to fly
Israel
It’s like an hourglass and you’re like trouble
Italy
Internet experts, honorary members of the selfie-addicted anonymous
Latvia
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Tell me baby, where we draw the line?
Lithuania
Changes running through me with the speed of sound, there’s no wait in dream life, nothing stops me now
Malta
I got the will, I learned the skill, of a true acrobat for love
Moldova
It’s a girl and maybe she’ll sleep at home, but I steal her alone
Montenegro
I have my suit on, no need to worry, give me your body, let’s write a story
Netherlands
Though the hallway catches the light, it won’t reach the corner where you strongly fight
Norway
Got eyes in my neck but I’m absent, I’m quiet in a corner seeking action, I wanna be bold but I’m only getting old
Poland
Fire, like a burning desire, taking me higher, walk in a wire
Portugal
I know that nobody loves alone, maybe slowly you can learn again
Romania
If you’re stuck in a place and it feels like shit, if you wanna run feeling like a misfit
Russia (Don’t think you can get out of this THAT easily, Russia!)
Day and night all I do is dreaming, pacing sick and staring at the ceiling
San Marino
We can write another page, a golden age within our lifetime
Serbia
But I love what you’re doing to me, How you spin me round, high off the ground, I’m not coming down
Slovenia
I’m feeling so alone, I’m turning down my tone, before the rise of sun I will be gone
Spain
Raise your head and don’t lay down with the sorrow, just open a door and you will see what comes tomorrow
Sweden
Hands down to the floor my love, I am doing whatever you want
Switzerland
Crashing down fast, as fragile as glass
Ukraine
Let’s take time to find a place without violence, let’s listen and find the true meaning of silence
UK
You’re not defeated, you’re in repair, don’t have to call me, I’ll always be there
But which was the worst? You decide!
Don’t forget to follow ONEurope’s adventures in Kyiv starting from this Sunday. Where other sites might be Sky Sports News with their flashy graphics and constant news bursts, we’re more the Test Match Special of Eurovision, with our laid back badinage, left field opinions, children’s TV themes and pictures of cheese. We’ll take you where the other sites dare not tread – whether you wanted to go there or not – and we’ll be happy to have you join us on the ride!
Right then, eyes down for a full house…
“When strangers are coming…
They come to your house,
They kill you all
and say,
We’re not guilty
not guilty” – the best lyrics for Eurovision Song Contest. So deep and pleasant.
It has to be the Estonian lyrics. “This Western type of woman, Western Type of man, disappeared in Verona”