LIVEBLOG: Eurovision 2024 Grand Final 2024 – JURY REHEARSAL

There is a lot of packing up so I am going to give you a goodnight and if I hear anything else about Joost - I shall update you from my bed or our apartment in Lund!

Night all!

The last few minutes have been :

Abba

Recaps

More Abba

Trying to scour the internet for news on Joost Klein!

SVT Nyheter are reporting that Malmo Police are "on site" and are investigating what has occurred here today.

It's supposed to say who posted the updates! Tssss!

That's been a series of solid performances. Nobody's really left anything out there on stage tonight - Slimane didn't catch a couple of the money notes, but it was always high risk high reward. I'm also hesitant about Silia's vocals in the verses, but it's far more in the sense that "I'm hesitant" rather than "there was a clear issue". Bambie and Nemo pulled off their showcase performances perfectly, and Baby Lasagna took the whole arena by the scruff of the neck.

The jury groups are going to struggle to split these on delivery. They're going to need to think about quaint concepts like "quality of the songs" and "whether they liked them". I know.

Guffaw as necessary

Croatia

Italy

France

Ireland

United Kingdom

Switzerland

Latvia

Armenia

Israel

Netherlands

Ukraine

Lithuania

Portugal

Luxembourg

Austria

Georgia

Cyprus

Norway

Sweden

Greece

Slovenia

Estonia

Germany

Serbia

Spain

Finland

And finally, Austria.  Again, a phrase Kaleen is NOT going to be hearing much of by the time this has been said and done. 

Surely, SURELY the juries are going to notice that she can't actually sing a note without the heavy lifting capacity of the backing track or the lead dubs

Predictably the gays in here start clapping cos they think it's the kind of thing they should like and, to be fair, its the kind of thing that I like because I am an old gayer!

I suspect she's not been in any clubs in Wien or Graz in the last twenty years or so because it's so terribly outdated - however this is the best that she has done this, and that too is a damming comment!

His smugness came back to haunt him

He fell off some of the notes and that is going to cost him and he knows it.  

Second last and it's France. 

This is really beautiful and really *really* good and I have to look past Slimane's smugness and remember he's written a classy song which he has clearly spent time on getting 100 percent happy and comfy with.  

I still dont like the "look at me, i can sing" bit but if it's all adding to the emoting then I reckon it's all good.  

Nothing short of Christ himself on a bike would be anywhere near good enough to follow that brilliance...

This is the biggest comedown that the sawtooth has seen tonight - after the immesurable high that Baby Lasagne has put us through - we then get this.... dance break surrounded by a half arsed Greek song (and surprisingly the table in front of us love it!)

Me? - Not so much

Right - the future of this contest is at stake so He'd better nail this performance. 

I needn't have worried because he has totally got all the right angles and looks so good when glaring down the camera.  This is NOT your usual joke entry - this is something far more nuanced than that.  The crowd in the press centre and in the hall know what they are looking at and I'm probably off to Croatia next May - and that is going to be a good thing. 

The momentum behind this is almost unstoppable. 

It's a bad thing when you say to yourself " God almighty I forgot this was still in it"

Another song I have turned off from.  

Possibly whilst they remove all the Swiss shenanigans.  

It's been a long time since the last break...

Italy

Ireland

United Kingdom

Switzerland

Latvia

Armania

Israel

Netherlands

Ukraine

Lithuania

Portugal

Luxembourg

Cyprus

Norway

Sweden

Greece

Estonia

Germany

Serbia

Spain

Finland

Many decades ago, when I first moved to Sweden for this contest, this was going to win by three-million points and anyone that disagreed was an old stick in the mud. 

It's still up there, without a doubt, but the performance makes my skin crawl.  It's staged as though the whole thing is one gigantic in-joke and that Nemo is looking at you as if to say " YOU can't possibly know what I have gone through" - here's a tip, everyone  should have been able to identify with this.  

However it's the musical equivalent of that Hipster beer that everyone raves about called something like Fermented Bishop's frog Piss - an acquired taste and I dont think that many people have done that in the numbers people think they will. 

People of a certain age are obliged to sing 2 da daba daba dom" to Mana Mou, it is the law.  

Considering Silia wasn't born in 1997 she probably wasn't singing a long because she was trying to "slay" and in that attempt she went to Panik Records and asked for "A special from behind the back of the bins". 

Was a great show opener several years ago in it's semi final, put it on 20th and it gets lost in a see of mental and batshit.  She can sing it though and the temptation would be to "over" sing this, which she is not doing .

Those aforementioned Creek-priots on the table infront of me have all stook up and giving it heavy gay... that's it's constituency.  

The sawtooth goes on the upswing again here so time for me to crack open the Ramlosa sparkling water - well a gurl has to hydrate.  I admit that not only did my keyboard freeze but so did my laptop but this is all sorts of fun and infectious as cholera.  

I know most of them are based in France but who cares - this song makes me smile.  

Well this is a rum old run of songs and no mistake but this just might get some jury love. 

They tend to like the second of the two styles of Portuguese songs - namely "The Fado one" and this fits that box if not exactly then as close as damn it.  

The staging is full of interesting choices - the white suits clashing violently with the white background making you think you have lost all colour balance in your eyes - the lightboxes doing the same effects that Loic's did all those years ago.

And yet... and yet... it's as engaging as all hell for a reason I can't put my finger on - the long note is hit and nailed - maybe it's just "Saudade"?

If Spain makes me crawl up my own arse, this shit makes me want to go as far as I can go, then fuck off some more. 

It's offensive , badly shot (Deliberately so) and is as funny as anal warts.  

in another Sawtooth moment, Serbia's dull and dreary song about a flower that encapsulates their national identity fails to blow me away.   I'm still shocked how this managed to qualify for the final and, rightly so, it's been put in the kiss of death slot of sixteenth. 

It's just dull and ploddy and sounds like it's been written by a GCSE Music student in their spare time.  It's not complex enough to compete at this level.  

Even the obvious visual clues and cues are not helping this climb from near the bottom. 

After the shouty noise of Norway we have a different flavour of shouty noise in the form of Angelina Mango, Mango, you can call her Mango.  I've waited 2 weeks to do that joke and it should have been kept in a bottle. 

This is a great song with lots and lots of words... or "Italian" as we like to call it and I think that the cool kids would call this "A vibe" but as I know none, I'd have to call out and check but I don't have the time.  

She's hitting all her marks and it's crisply shot from the SVT Camera crew.  Juries are going to like this  performance - a lot.  it appeals to their criteria - well written, well sung, a popular hit in the making and, more importantly, it makes them smile.  

or it had better do

Apparently, according to the script, there are 12 songs left - but there isn't. is there!

Norway next with their slightly less shouty witch.  Cant' say I am bit into this one because for me it is just too unfathomable but, having said that, there is something strangely hypnotic about watching it - maybe if i looked around the eyes I would not be under her spell!

I'm actually rather relieved when this song is over but it will have it's constituency of metal heads.  

Ireland

United Kingdom

Latvia

Israel

Netherlands

Ukraine

Lithuania

Luxembourg

Sweden

Greece

Estonia

Germany

Spain

I've never had UK and Ireland at the top! - Who am I?!

From the ridiculous to, possibly, the sublime. 

I sincerely hope that Olly has been told that tonight matters - I reckon he should know that, but knowing the BBC, you never actually quite know.  

Crowd is up for it from the start of the song, which is a good thing and yes, it still looks like Triga but, and here is thing, this is a good song and the juries will notice that it's a cleverly written piece of pop. 

Do I like Olly's falsetto? - not especially, but it is how he sings so I have to deal with it.  We've been dying for a song like this for years (and years) and now we have it - no matter what people think. 

The whole thing is shot beautifully and the last 30 seconds are effective as he comes out of the box onto the main stage. 

I've seen a lot worse in my time.  

I probably wont see this as there is a very large contingent of Greeks and/or Cypriots in front of the big screen I am looking at.  

A lot of people like this song - I have to admit, dear reader, I am not one of them as you may have noticed.  In fact, I think it doesn't have that many redeeming features at all and I placed it stone dead last in it's semi final. 

With fresh eyes... it's still just a "bop" sung by a girl that should know better and there are a shit tonne of other and better songs in this final. 

Talking of surprise qualifiers to most, but not me, Latvia. 

Dons has nailed this song every time I have seen him do this but the word on the street is that it's not "good enough" to do well.

Well that can go right away, because he is totally nailing the vocal on this (as have most of them tonight to be fair).  I particularly like the backing track which comes in after the 2nd chorus and lifts the song and makes it a "hands in the air" song - I don't think anyone expected that.  

I did!

I don't think anyone expected this to go through who wasn't close to it but when you look back at it, it was hiding in plain sight.  This is the type of risk that Eurovision in Ireland has been crying out for for years and years. 

What have the juries seen? - a complete performance of an ecclectic song.  Yes, it is everything you think it is, but it's also well written and thought out by Bambi and her team to give maximum effect. 

Will it win? - Nope, because Europe isn't this progressive.  Will it do well? - we'll they've just done nothing wrong and have owned this three minutes perfectly.  

I mean, after the day we have had, what we need *RIGHT NOW* is some forced "Wacky" because nothing says Eurovision more than batshit - seemingly. 

I still reckon they tried too hard last night and have only just barely got through, but hey, I wont know that until tomorrow.

I don't know if this is funny or not if I am honest, I'm sure I am just jaded after the longest day in Christendom in this press centre!

I have just turned to Media's Lisa-Jayne Lewis and said " I've never wanted to crawl up my own arse more"

That's what I think of this.... thing... in a nutshell.  It's not so much a song, it's a drag act that isn't actually a drag act performing to her fag hags for three minutes. 

Does it have any redeeming features? - apart from end, no, not one...

She's fab, and not slab, and 92 years old and is Petra's Idol!

I'm surprised she had a career after 1975!

Israel

Netherlands

Ukraine

Lithuania

Luxembourg

Sweden

Germany

Well after the weird quarter of the contest, let's get back to sensible Silvester Belt - phrases you thought you'd never write until today!

I still don't understand why he is wearing a money clip on his nose - Lew Grade never used to and he actually pissed glitter - but I digress ( One for you Roy)

If Austria is the rave you got in that was actually a school disco, this song is the rave at the edgy school on the wrong side of the tracks.  No obvious dodgy notes in this three minutes and my personal hatred of Silvester aside, I can see that this has it's charms.  My problem is he and the fact he looks better than everyone else.  

He isn't and the song is built on repeating the title an inordinate number of times.  

The Anti Boo tech isn't working well because you can hear it coming through loud and clear on the jury feed.  I'm told in the hall that it's very loud!

It's a good song, there is no escaping that.  It's certainly the best performance so far tonight. 

Now here is the interesting bit.  

They play Joost's postcard on the jury feed as though nothing has happened.  I don't know what they are telling them in the arena cos I am not there, but they are playing out last night's video.  

If you didn't know - you'd know no difference.  People in the press centre haven't got the memo and think that this is a live performance - i'm not going to burst their bubble for them!

Worryingly there are people in this room that were not alive when Croire was winning the Eurovision until it didn't - a phrase that has gone round this press centre like herpes in a game of kiss chacce. 

Now you see, Tali, isn't getting the backlash that Israel are going to get because she can say 2"i'm Luxembourgois" and yes, that's right .  It's a girl bop -  quelle surprise, but this is actually quite decent.  It looks good on the screen adn the animals that are resembling her "Fighting spirit" is a nice touch.  

My issue with it is that it is about 30 seconds too long and one idea short of a package.  

How appropriate that we have had an actual Bin fire of a day and now, Germany with... a Bin Fire of a different nature!

Isaak could well get lost in all the shenanigans and even his Pyromaniac complex and a half decent song isn't gonna help him.  There are some strange choices here when it comes to the staging, i'm not sure that I would torch the entire set but, then again, I can't come up with anything better. 

It's just lift lobby music and that is a shame because he's lovely and it deserves to do better - but I fear it won't because people will forget about it.  

You'll hear me speak about Sawtooth tonight - this is where there is an upbeat song followed by a, well, less upbeat song and this is on the downbeat but make no mistake, this song is a damn good one.  

It's performed to within an inch of its life by both Aliona and Jerry and the walking up the mountain with the "missiles" in the background is a killer shot.  

If this wasn't such a batshit year, this would be well up there but the producers have buried this in Position two and it is going to be hard for it to get the love that it deserves from here. 

It's shot perfectly, unlike some of the other songs tonight, and the use of the wind machine is also excellent - Yes I am a gay, deal with it.  

Best thing so far!

Lets get the hosts love four some Norwegians out of the way first of all before anything important happens.  

If you have seen the Melodifestivalen, and chances are you have, you will knoe exactly what you are expecting - a polished performance by two sterile Norwegian pop stars. 

The crowd, though, are whipped into a frenzy by the first chorus and do some clapping and I can confirm its not on the anti-booing software. 

Decent, but not spectacular opening to the show. 

They got the 10-1 countdown in sync this time - which is clearly an achievement!

Remember the online vote is *actually* open - the real televotes open before the first song tomorrow.  

ARE YOU INSANE?! - well... quite.  

Netherlands is still on the first part of the scoreboard...

to the strains of The Winner takes it all - of course - cos nothing says Eurovision in Sweden than ABBA!

Other than the damn flag parade is still ongoing - I swear it gets longer year on year!

all to the backing of Swedish classics. 

Looking our for Song 5 - where NL should be...

Luxembourg come on.....

and they announce NL but don't show the stage....  Looks like no one in the audience noticed what has happened - mind you I think they haven't all been made aware yet. 

We are back with some introduction shenanigans. 

Bjorn Skifs comes onto stage - and he isn't even dead!!

And almost immediately the screens go blank... this is not a good start!

..we should be starting on time - i'll do my usual jury ranking INCLUDING Joost, due to a lack of other information to the contrary

I see half The Netherlands has tuned in - If you've not been here before - HELLO! - This isn't your usual website but it is lovely to have you!

The Jury show will go ahead

They are going to play out Joost's video and, presumably, the juries will vote on that.  

No decision has been made as to tomorrow.  

There is still an ongoing investigation, according to a media alert, and the investigation is still ongoing.  Joost's performance from last night will be shown and he will take no part in tonight's performance.  

Claim and counter claim.

The EBU website is down as well...

We are 50 minutes from.... some sort of show?

We're hearing all sorts of things but nothing concrete - as soon as we know, I'll let you know.