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So here we are again, happy as can be… then thirty-seven songs of variable quality come along and spoil our Spring. So we’ve given our regular curmudgeon Roy D Hacksaw the task of deeply forensically analysing each and every song in close detail, and once again he’s come to the conclusion that none of them are going to win.
Warning: May include constantly recycled jokes and niche cultural references. And of course, it’s nowhere near as good as last year’s…
Albania
Because Kolë was waiting so long for his bit to start that his mind drifted off to whether he’d locked the shed door before he’d left home for Basel, and he became so worried about whether his lawnmower had been stolen that he clean forgot his cue to come in and just wandered off stage anxiously to ring his Nan to check that everything was alright. Which clean ruined the deliberately minimal effect of the song. Shame.
Armenia
Because a line as knuckle-gnawlingly dreadful as ‘I’m a survivor, stay aliver’ is actually illegal in seventeen competing countries under artistic law, and they were forbidden from showing it.
Australia
Because the whole of Europe will be feeling so dirty after listening to this thinly-veiled song about oral sex that they’ll be jumping in the shower before the end, and will be scrubbing themselves so hard to extinguish the filth that they’ll clean forget to vote.
Austria
Everyone’s just second guessing that this one’s going to win because it’s a squeaky-voiced lad doing a bit of opera, aren’t they. And how often does lightning strike twice in this contest, eh?!
Azerbaijan
Are they actually in it this year? I feel like I might have heard the song, but I can’t for the life of me remember it.
Belgium
Because halfway up to his big finish, the elevated platform tilted under the massive weight of Sebastian’s talent, which led to him cling onto the side of the ever more vertical platform like DiCaprio in Titanic. And we know how that ended…
Croatia
Because the great nit actually did hand out some poison cake to all the commentators before the show, and there was no one left to tell the good people of Europe what the song was about. It is actually about something, isn’t it?
Cyprus
Death by staging!
Czechia
Because this is the kind of song that always surprises everyone when it does very very well with the jury, only to get a mere seven votes from the punters – and they were all from Albania.
Denmark
Because despite how much fankind gush all over this song, it’s not actually very good, is it.
Estonia
Now this gets complicated. If you’d been following Tommy’s adventures since he was selected, you would obviously have noticed his many references to situationist moments by high artists like Andy Warhol and John Cage. So for his final performance he decided to forgo his spaghetti legs dance to recreate Serbian performance artist Marina Abramović’s 1974 work Rhythm 4 and kneel naked in front of a Carola-sized fan until he passed out, all while the chirpy tones of Espresso Macchiato trundled on in the background. It worked much quicker than he expected, and after laying inert on the stage floor with his bumhole facing the camera for about twenty seconds, the stage crew said enough was enough and cut to the next postcard while they gently swept him off the stage. We’ve all done it.
Finland
Because Erika transmitted so much pure sex power through the screen that not only did every male over 50 (and some ladies) watching actually melt into soggy goo their sofa, but the power grid of the whole continent went pop and plunged whole nations into darkness, not resetting itself until gone midnight. So only Australia and Azerbaijan got to vote on it. And they both liked the Swedish Finns better.
France
Every year there’s that song that you had such big hopes for, but that when you finally heard it you just went “Oh, OK…”. That’s France this year. That’s France most years, actually.
Georgia
Remember this days when we thought it was only a matter of time before Georgia won this thing? Those days seem so so long ago now. Next year, perhaps?
Germany
Look now. You love it. We love it. But we all know a bit about music. Probably. All the folks at home are going to hear is a reedy-voiced lady singing the same syllable over and over again, and go and make a cup of tea. The bloody Philistines.
Greece
I thought Eurovision didn’t accept trib acts? Nana Mouskouri must be furious!
Iceland
As above, see also: Jedward.
Israel
Because even when a song is immeasurably better than the more cynical thing they sent last time, and despite how well they’ve worked on learning to game the televoting system – and that’s not a criticism… someone was going to do it before too long, and it just happened to be them – there’ll be enough people on every jury outraged by the pictures being shown on the news every night to put them well behind in the first stage of voting, giving them an uphill battle from the get go.
Ireland
Because just as Emmy was about to go on, a mischievous delegation member whispered what actually happened to Laika the Space Dog, and she began to weep so heavily that she couldn’t get the words out. She still beat Wild Youth by some considerable margin though.
Italy
Uh oh! Topo Gigio’s been on the bottle again…
Latvia
Because it turned out that this year’s Witchcore act actually were real witches, and cast a spell out to the good viewers of Televisionland to transfer all their bank numbers to an email leading to an off-shore account, and nobody had enough dosh left at the end of the night to vote for them.
Lithuania
This year’s highly credible indie song that misses out in its semi by a mere point. It’s a story as old as time!
Luxembourg
Somewhere deep in the fog of the arena, the ghosts of France Gall and Serge Gainsbourg are plotting some foul revenge…
Malta
Because even though THAT word has been expunged from the song, enough members of the audience will joyfully sing it out at the top of their lungs that the more conservative telly stations will have faded it out well before the bonkers vote-winning bit at the end. Bunch of kants!
Montenegro
The gal Žižić may have thought that her ruse had worked in quietly getting NeoneoN binned from the contest, but the tech indie mob know that revenge is best served cold, and were waiting in the wings ready to clap wildly out of time to the beat, putting the poor lass well off her mark. Never mess with the metal bashing cyber punx!
Netherlands
Because anyone who speaks French will be so horrified by the route one language mangling that they’ll be too disgusted to vote for it!
Norway
Who the heck wrote the lyric to this? Did they even run it by a native English speaker? It makes no actual sense at all, and however cute the boy is, the folks at home will see right through it.
Poland
“Hello? Hellooooo? Can somebody let me down from all the way up here? Quickly… Whoa! Not… that… quickleeeeeeee…”
Portugal
It’s just a shame that Brazil, Cabo Verde, Equatorial Guinea, Angola and Mozambique aren’t in the contest, because they’d have bought right into it. The rest of Europe, however…
San Marino
Because the people at home are easily confused, and enough people were voting for Italy thinking that it was this that Lucio thought he was on for the win… until the Topo Gigio trouser-dropping incident, that is…
Serbia
Handsome-yet-unlikable man sings a song more apt to two decades ago – it was doomed from the start.
Slovenia
Handsome-yet-unlikable man sings a song more apt to three decades ago – it was doomed from the start.
Spain
What this old mess of a song? You’re having a laugh, right?
Sweden
Somewhere above the stage, a broken man laid in wait. His life fell to pieces the moment this song first hit the stage. His place in Eurovision history was assured, if only these pesky chaps hadn’t knocked him off his pedestal. Muttering under his breath he whispered to himself “If it wasn’t for these jokers I’d have been bathing in glory for the last two weeks. It’s not a song – it’s nothing more than a bad Two Ronnies sketch. How got this possibly have dared to beat me, Måns the Mighty, in my natural domain? If they like hot steamy water so much, just wait until all these kettles get boiled. That’ll show them…”
Switzerland
It’s that annual song that absolutely nobody truly hates, but that absolutely everybody forgets to vote for. Poor lass.
Ukraine
I quite like this one. Pretty lads in blouses singing a complicated bit of proggy pop. It’s flipping ace. Unfortunately very few other people on this continent, nay, this globe, will share my view.
United Kingdom
Well, at least they can sing…
So after reading all these sorry tales I’m sure that you’ll agree that this year, just like every year, not one of them are actually going to win the thing! When will they ever learn?
Roy D Hacksaw is a writer, TV producer and fishery owner who knows more about Eurovision than everybody but you. His novel Worst. Eurovision. Ever is still available at earthislandbooks.com