For I have returned and the world will be sorry… mwah ha ha

Yes the wilderness is over and I’m even tempted to return to the contest itself next year as the finances are looking less ropey. But I shall give you the benefit of my thoughts of the madness currently going on in Copenhagen and have this lunchtime caught up with the dross….. I mean excellent performances in the rusty old warehouse in the land of bacon and beer. Well it beats a football match I guess….

So back to Monday and songs that the rest of you are now probably tired of and I barely know because I’ve got a social life 🙂

Armenia

A sole figure standing alone in the darkness. Very nondescript really. Even my browser had the good sense to put paste an advert over him and you wouldn’t have missed his presence in this dirge. It isn’t bad as such, but favourite? And favourite by some distance? Are there really that many Armenians in Europe voting? If so then we’ve all been secretly invaded without our knowledge. Bravo Armenia on achieving something even the Germans, French, British and Russians couldn’t manage. It’ll undoubtedly finish top 10 just simply because there ARE a lot of Armenians in Europe but no matter hard I try I can’t imagine this as a winner, not even a surprise one that sneaks through by apathy like Estonia 2001.

Latvia

Attendees at recent dinner parties I’ve been at will have had the misfortune to sample my attempts at baking cakes and come to think of it I haven’t seen some of them since so they could be lying somewhere in a pool of sponge smelling vomit having breathed their last. However I love this. It’s got all the right ingredients for a song on second in a semi-final eg cheesy, fun, not taking itself too seriously and can’t stop yourself tapping along too. It also has the song 2 trait of having no hope in hell of getting any votes… alas… but I’d go to one of your gigs boys, especially if it was in Latvia 😉

Estonia

Onto their nextdoor neighbours in the Baltic and I have to declare that in purely song terms, this is my favourite and not just because I’ll be visiting their gracious country in 5 weeks time. However I’m slightly concerned about how …well slight these two look on such a huge cavernous stage. If I didn’t know better I’d say that the Danes made the stage so big on purpose to nobble the Estonians and stop a repeat of 2001 where their own home entry was beaten by the Estonians amid much amusement from myself and the fella Hacksaw who taunted a few locals when the votes came in. I can see it as borderline qualifier at the moment but I’ll know more on May 6th I guess. I wish it well though…

Sweden

Regular readers of this column will know that I’m not generally fond of Swedish entries and indeed cannot see to this day how Euphoria won. I’d rather that Carola’s comedy skit from last year had won the contest. However credit where’s it due, it’s a fine vocal performance and I’m starting to see why it’s so high in the betting. Coming after some extreme weirdness, this could do very well. Just promise me one thing if you win, no more overlong contests and please don’t invite Carola back.

Iceland

Most people will just look at this and see a bunch of fat, middle aged geezers wearing pyjamas (no they’re not relatives!). I love the whole psychedelic bonkersness of it though. I may be alone there. There’s not a hope in hell anyone who hasn’t the second before sniffed a pot of glue voting for it but thank you for being different Iceland and keep your smegging volcanic ash to yourselves or we’ll export the Teletubbies to you in revenge for this 🙂

Albania

I loved the video for this, all rolling around on sand dunes and attempted assassinations by furtive paragliders. The live performance though is missing something, like a performance….Why perch her on the helm of the Titanic and let her scream at the audience? Celine already did that. Oh Albania I love your song but you need to inject a bit of your rustic insanity into this if you don’t want a plane ticket home on Wednesday…

Russia

Ok. The seesaw and giant fan have already been well documented by other bloggers so I’m not going to dwell on them too much , except to say where would we be without a giant Russian prop? Dima Bilan won with one, though that’s probably being unkind to a world champion figure skater. I’m not like other folk, a detractor of this. I don’t think the unfortunate current political situation is going to make any difference to this son’s fate and indeed if Eurovision ain’t going back to Scandinavia next year, I fully expect it becoming live from Sochi…

Azerbaijan

And talking of giant props… it’s a trapeze artist which only has the effect of distracting one from what is otherwise an excellently performed, decent song. Indeed the singer herself gets distracted at one point and looks back at the precariously twirling figure above her. Why do this? I’d have given this a shout if they’d locked the trapeze artist in her dressing room but as it is, Amnesty International don’t have to have a Eurovision campaign again so soon…

Ukraine

Now I’m not overly enamoured of this song personally but I’d have to give it a pop if only because she’s chosen to revive the career of Hammy the Hamster as her backing dancer. They’ll inevitably be a lot of sympathy votes for the fact that their cruel neighbours are currently dismembering their country but it could do very very well indeed and if I am coming back next year, they’d be no better location than a chance to visit the rellies. always assuming Ukraine exists this time next year….

Belgium

Wisely the Belgians have chosen to make the stage very dark for this one. Less seen the better I fear. I just don’t get this. I guess it[‘s well sung enough but I can’t take it seriously. every time I hear it I just think of Ruslana waving a lighter and we all know how bonkers she is…. I also have a problem with a singer who looks like Chorlton from Chorlton and the Wheelies (confused looks around Europe) but maybe the “little old Ladies” around Europe will lap it up. It’s my mother’s birthday on Friday and I think if I played her this she’d probably cut me out of her will….

Moldova

Now aside from the fact that she looks like Parker from Thunderbirds in drag, I don’t mind this. I really don’t. Unlike my fellow bloggers I can see this easily getting through to the Saturday night. Moldova have surprised us by taking much worse songs through in the past. Put aside your feelings about their utter insanity and the fact that you’d be afraid to visit their country and lap it up.

Right I reckon that’s Monday’s fare dealt with. More from me another time 🙂