Eurovision 2018 Live Blog – Jury final

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Sam Ryder and Roger Taylor have come on and just blown everyone away.  Then some business with Jan Leeming, who isn't there tonight, with a stand in who can't follow the autocue.  

Not very scientific but....

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Slovenia

7. Moldova

8. Belgium

9. Portugal

10, Germany

11. Israel

12. Cyprus

13. Spain

14.  Czechia

15. United Kingdom

16. Estonia

17. Austria

18. Ukraine

19. Armenia

20. Lithuania

21. Serbia

22. Norway

23. Albania

24. Poland

25. Switzerland

26. Croatia

The opening is excellent - the vocal is "ok" with a couple of a duff notes.  The visuals are on point here and that is the best that she has done it.  The Juries have seen a decent performance of a decent song.   It's not going to be enough though.  

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Slovenia

7. Moldova

8. Belgium

9. Portugal

10, Germany

11. Israel

12. Cyprus

13. Spain

14.  Czechia

15. United Kingdom

16. Estonia

17. Austria

18. Ukraine

19. Armenia

20. Lithuania

21. Serbia

22. Norway

23. Albania

24. Poland

25. Switzerland

26. Croatia

This is exactly what you would expect it to be.   

It's gonna get piss all from the juries because it is actual crap - and yet the televote are going to save it - this is probably why it got through to this bit to start with. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Slovenia

7. Moldova

8. Belgium

9. Portugal

10, Germany

11. Israel

12. Cyprus

13. Spain

14.  Czechia

15. Estonia

16. Austria

17. Ukraine

18. Armenia

19. Lithuania

20. Serbia

21. Norway

22. Albania

23. Poland

24. Switzerland

25. Croatia

Never, NEVER, ask the team's Scrabble expert whether Feminal is a word. Anyway, straight back to Mr Phil who has more judgmentalism of his own to pass.

Joker Out are just fabulous - a real band that knows where the camera is because they have been trained to look at the red light.  They are just fab and you can tell they are properly into this.  No dodgy notes again and not a foot wrong.  Perfect. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Slovenia

7. Moldova

8. Belgium

9. Portugal

10, Germany

11. Israel

12. Cyprus

13. Spain

14.  Czechia

15. Estonia

16. Austria

17. Ukraine

18. Armenia

19. Lithuania

20. Serbia

21. Norway

22. Albania

23. Poland

24. Switzerland

Noa was in the press centre earlier, maybe she was acting up to the wrong crowd. 

My personal taste is that this song is not in my wheelhouse - but it's mostly not about me, it;s about what peopole will see from the Juries.  Is this a dance break with a song around it, or the other way round? - Who knows anymore - I've had a couple of cans of alcohol and most things are blurring into one.  Also, Feminal is NOT a word in any language? - No dodgy notes here either. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9, Germany

10. Israel

11. Cyprus

12. Spain

13.  Czechia

14. Estonia

15. Austria

16. Ukraine

17. Armenia

18. Lithuania

19. Serbia

20. Norway

21. Albania

22. Poland

23. Switzerland

This is the last ballad on but this struggles over Germany but as every song finds it's people - this should find some love - but for me, this is just generic Song For Europe 1991 in style and staging.  

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9, Germany

10. Cyprus

11. Spain

12.  Czechia

13. Estonia

14. Austria

15. Ukraine

16. Armenia

17. Lithuania

18. Serbia

19. Norway

20. Albania

21. Poland

22. Switzerland

We are still in shock on this table in the media centre as to just how bad that final 30 seconds from Norway was. 

No time to dwell, onto Germany.  Now this, THIS is a performance.  Everything you would expect from Chris and the boys.  A toned down full on Rock song ( If that is not an oxymoron).  Sadly, no blood OR Glitter on stage. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9, Germany

10. Cyprus

11. Spain

12.  Czechia

13. Estonia

14. Austria

15. Ukraine

16. Armenia

17. Serbia

18. Norway

19. Albania

20. Poland

21. Switzerland

Just as Norway starts the sound has gone either in the arena or on the feed - this is not great for anyone.    The screens are still showing it and the press were totally in time with the pictures - worryingly. 

Anyway, now Alesandra is back on  she sounds better than she did in this the semi final but there are a couple of obvious errors that will be noticed in the jury rooms of Europe.   It soon loses steam towards the end and the dolphin is totally missed! - That's fucked it. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9. Cyprus

10. Spain

11.  Czechia

12. Estonia

13. Austria

14. Ukraine

15. Armenia

16. Serbia

17. Norway

18. Albania

19. Poland

20. Switzerland

Again, an understandable groundswell of  emotion and possible televotes for this one but, again, whilst this has sympathy with the voters of Europe, the juries *should* see beyond that.   Yes, it's a song about the war and yes it's very modern, I worry about the vocal in the first part of the song, like Austria, being too weak and slightly pitchy to my ears, which isn't what they are looking for.  

It gets old quick to my ears - before the second chorus to be exact - and that is going to be a problem for the punch drunk Juries.  Again another perfect performance - the song, though, is a bit of tough treacle. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9. Cyprus

10. Spain

11.  Czechia

12. Estonia

13. Austria

14. Ukraine

15. Armenia

16. Serbia

17. Albania

18. Poland

19. Switzerland

I love this song and everything about it - as a televote song it is a "banger" and there is a path for him to be top 5 (It's the funny man with the midget singing a song in foreign) - as a juror what am I seeing? - I'm seeing ethnic, I'm seeing moons and a song that has loads of dancing in it.  There is so much energy in this song it is infectious but are the jurors going to place this high depending on what has gone before?

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Moldova

7. Belgium

8. Portugal

9. Cyprus

10. Spain

11.  Czechia

12. Estonia

13. Austria

14. Armenia

15. Serbia

16. Albania

17. Poland

18. Switzerland

After a quick bit of business with Graham Norton and the compares we are back with Hannah who is clearly filling so they get Armenia set up on stage.  

Eventually Armenia come on to the stage and is immediately a come down after Belgium and it's a stretch to find something decent to say about this song apart from the middle 8 is good.  The jury are going to see something decent with another pointless dancebreak.   There are better songs than this because it just gets repetitive quickly. 

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Belgium

7. Portugal

8. Cyprus

9. Spain

10.  Czechia

11. Estonia

12. Austria

13. Armenia

14. Serbia

15. Albania

16. Poland

17. Switzerland

And the choones keep on being thrown at the weary jurors of Europe.  This is just excellent and has a different energy than Australia.  This is MacDaddy energy of the highest order but I think it gets slightly tired quickly in the middle but when Pussy comes on stage, it gets back up.  

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Belgium

7. Portugal

8. Cyprus

9. Spain

10.  Czechia

11. Estonia

12. Austria

13. Serbia

14. Albania

15. Poland

16. Switzerland

A banger? - That the juries will like? - I should think so.   Historically the televoters hate Australia but not even they can hate this - for pities sake they have a car on stage!

The visuals of this are immaculate as are the vocals  and they do not put a foot wrong.  The mix might not be quite right volume wise, i.e it all seems a bit too low, but once the beat drops, as they sasy, they look and sound like the proper band they are.  

1. Finland

2. Australia

3. France

4. Sweden

5. Italy

6. Portugal

7. Cyprus

8. Spain

9. Czechia

10. Estonia

11. Austria

12. Serbia

13. Albania

14. Poland

15. Switzerland

1. Finland

2. France

3. Sweden

4. Italy

5. Portugal

6. Cyprus

7. Spain

8. Czechia

9. Estonia

10. Austria

11. Serbia

12. Albania

13. Poland

14. Switzerland

This gets totally buried after Finland despite it being brilliant in its own right.   Where does it fit in? - what a fine question.  

1. Finland

2. France

3. Sweden

4. Italy

5. Portugal

6. Cyprus

7. Spain

8. Czechia

9. Estonia

10. Austria

11. Serbia

12. Albania

13. Poland

14. Switzerland

There is a gap in the Swedish Armor as there was enough doubt in the jurors mind to drive a bus through.  Will his Sauna bus be it?

It goes big before it even starts and just builds and builds to an almost inevitable climax.  For me, this is going to piss all over Loreen's chips with the televoters, this is far more accessable and, more importantly, fucking fun.   Juries are going to mark this up highly because it ticks all their boxes.   For me, it's better than France. 

1. Finland

2. France

3. Sweden

4. Italy

5. Portugal

6. Cyprus

7. Spain

8. Estonia

9. Austria

10. Serbia

11. Albania

12. Poland

13. Switzerland

Oh Alika.  I love the fact you have brought a Pianola to the Eurovision and then you pretend to play it.   I know that the delegation were plesantly surprised when this qualified and now it is here it will show off Alika's vocals.   My problem here is that the juries and the televoters will have had their senses attacked by ballad city and they might just find that this is the weakest of the run of three - and it shouldn't be.   It is almost note perfect and looks immaculate, as you would expect.  Televoters, though, are a different beast. 

1. France

2. Sweden

3. Italy

4. Portugal

5. Cyprus

6. Spain

7, Estonia

8. Austria

9. Serbia

10. Albania

11. Poland

12. Switzerland

Now, this part of the draw is ballad central and that could help the song that is at the end of the run of ballads... i.e Finland. 

Marco sings a lot of words in this song quite quickly and he sings it really well.  Its just a man at at a mic singing his heart out looking like a spangly daddy.   It's not Fai Rumore but I guess it has never tried to be but if that is the standard that fans judge this song by then we have no issue.   Juries are seeing a damn good song though.  Expect, again, a disparity.  And it doesn't need the trampets either. 

1. France

2. Sweden

3. Italy

4, Portugal

5. Cyprus

6. Spain

7. Austria

8. Serbia

9. Albania

10. Poland

11. Switzerland

You can tell it's Albania when you can make incest jokes.  Also, there are not enough red hankies being flung at a Eurovision - Red Flags? Yes, but not red hankies.  

This is wailing for Wailing's sake and I don't like it.  Televoters in Eastern Europe should eat this up and juries, again, will see a good well crafted song but who is going to televote for this when ALL of Europe have a vote. 

1. France

2. Sweden

3. Portugal

4. Cyprus

5. Spain

6. Austria

7. Serbia

8. Albania

9. Poland

10. Switzerland

And so, as night follows day, the woman in a box comes on next.   The crowd goes mental as you would excpect.  There is an emotion on this song that gets to people and maybe I am cold to this song.   It certainly does hit the right notes in the right order and it is relatable.  She doesn't sound totally pitch perfect but then again, she wasn't in Euphoria.   She does mumble from about 90 seconds into the song and that gets on my nerves.   It's well written but, for me, France still shades this.  

1. France

2. Sweden

3. Portugal

4. Cyprus

5. Spain

6. Austria

7. Serbia

8. Poland

9. Switzerland

1. France

2, Portugal

3. Cyprus

4. Spain

5. Austria

6. Serbia

7. Poland

8. Switzerland

So, I'm still getting 1983 vibes here - all she needs is to perform infront of my Nan's old gas fire and we will be there - well Luxembourg is coming back after all. 

Don't get me wrong - Blanca's vocal are superb but for a televoter this is just going to be unfathomable unless they are hispanic and like a woman that is having an orgasm set to music.  Jurors, however, will love the songcraft here and the fact that she is trying a different style but I fully expect a disparity between the Jury and the Televote in favour of the jury, 

Shockingly, the Spanish loved it!

1. France

2, Portugal

3. Cyprus

5. Austria

6 Serbia

7.  Poland

8. Switzerland

As there is no Greece here, Panik records are representing here with the lovely Andrew.   The problem I have with this is that I don't believe that it is instant enough but the mums, gays and Nans will vote for this.  What are tonight;s 185 people going to see.   A competent song sung competently.  Its better than some of the songs that we have had this evening and the fire, whilst being totally not needed, helps to lift the song which I don't particular like, to one where I can see a decent result.  

1. France

2, Portugal

3. Cyprus

4 Austria

5. Serbia

6.  Poland

7. Switzerland

1. France

2, Portugal

3 Austria

4. Serbia

5.  Poland

6. Switzerland

Noe then - the Jury bait of all jury bait comes up next.  What's the betting that the gays got for the wench in the fascinator?

This gets the audience going from the introduction, which is dramatic a f  then La Zarra starts singing and, frankly, we are all in trouble,  There might have been some dodgy notes but I put that down to her being French.   When the first chorus kicks in, the clapping in the audience starts.   For me, this has the same class that Patricia Kass had all of those years ago.  It is a classy performance that you can not take your eyes off from start to finish.   It knows what it is, and that could well be a Jury top 5.  Certainly the best so far by a country mile.

1. France

2, Portugal

3 Austria

4. Serbia

5.  Poland

6. Switzerland

I dont know what people are going to make of this.  Luke is singing about being asleep and never waking up - a nice happy tune then.  This is going to do massive business in Eastern Europe and there could be a shed load of televotes for it.  What are the juries seeing tonight - Electro pop with a man lying on a quaver, or an orchid.  They should appreciate the song writing because it is a difficult song to sing but, I don't know, it's missing something.  

1. Portugal

2. Austria

3. Serbia

4. Poland

5. Switzerland

Its never going to get old seeing Blanca on the roof of a university because I don't think she has much between the ears. 

This being here has fucked off a million Poles just by being here and for that it must get props.  This is a total slice of summer complete with bikini line and a dance break that is totally unwarranted but, you know what, middle aged men still  watch this contest and will pick the phone up for it - it'll get sympathy. 

1. Portugal

2. Austria

3. Poland

4. Switzerland

So now Europe has been woken up - they get their sedation by being forced to listen to Remo for three minutes. 

I appreciate that there is a bit of sawtooth going on here ( up and down in the running order) but this is aimed squarely at the juries because who the hell else is televoting for this?

1. Portugal

2. Austria

3. Switzerland

My heart sank when Mimicat got Number two but, you know what, after Teya and Selina she might well do something. 

This, just like that, is three minutes of unbridled joy just in a language that hardly anyone can understand but will that matter? - Hardly, because there is just an air of fun.  The song gets the crowd going.  The jurors will have seen this for a cracking performance.  It's ahead of Austria. 

1. Portugal

2. Austria

Three minutes of delight to come now. 

This is all sorts of brilliant.  I'm still worried about the notes in the top register in the middle bit  though but the audience and the press centre all clap to POE POE POE

What more do you need?

Possibly a bit stronger vocals,  

And we start

14 Minutes before we get to the hosts - this is quite long for modern standards but it is a four hour show I guess ( though lord knows why)

And now the flag parade - this had to be done twice this afternoon because the talent was walking too slow. 

A bit of Shum in the middle of it followed by Sweet dreams are made of this - two of my absolute favourite songs of all time right there. 

It is a fusion, as the kids say, between Ukraine and  Liverpool and then Kalush on stage.  It should be mandatory for last year's winners to be present and sing - but that is just my opinion. 

That makes a change this week, said no one ever. 

Lots of recorders in the opening show which makes me happy as it leads into Kalush (because of course).  

I don't know if this has been mentioned but there is a FREE BAILEY'S COCKTAIL BAR in this part of the press centre.  This is going to be dangerous i reckon. 

Day meh in the big Eurovision hourse and it was "creamy" pasta with yet more chicken.  

Also, Noa has just minced into the press centre and is surrounded by teh gayz!

Well here we are - laudably early in the Press compound.....

Chicken for tea again tonight