Here we are again. It’s that time of year again where I try to convince you that there’s not one single song that’s going to win Eurovision 2010 – but I’m sure you’ll agree that this year the argument is slightly more convincing than usual. So much so that I’m struggling to think of enough half-amusing quips to dis the whole busload of plucky contenders.
But I’ll give it a comedy pop all the same, seeing as I’m here and all. So here, folks, is why your favourite song isn’t going to win Eurovision this year…
ALBANIA – Because I believe Christina Aguilera is about to sue the Albanian bird’s songwriter’s ass for nicking the intro to one of her B-Sides.
ARMENIA – Because the EBU will suddenly twig that it’s a thinly veiled dig at their Azeri neighbours about that Nagorno-Karabash place and pull the plug pronto.
AZERBAIJAN – Because anyone who likes it will rush off and listen to Umbrella instead (and there’s aren’t enough Azeri’s in Christendom to buy this rotter if a song a win).
BELARUS – Because it’s been a hard winter and the frost got ’em before they could emerge.
BELGIUM – Because this is the kind of song that everybody loves and drags it into a surprise third place finish.
BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA – Because even the singer bloke doesn’t look like he wants to be singing it.
BULGARIA – Because that shit-eating grin is going to have the voters of Europe reaching for the sick buckets before they can get to their phones.
CROATIA – Because it’s like watching your three best mate’s wives having a moan about them after two and a half Lambrinis.
CYPRUS – Beacause if they’ve had to rely on a lad from Newport – a town so unpopular in Britain that even Wales have disowned it – they really must be past caring.
DENMARK – Because lazily glueing your mum’s four favourite tunes together in a roughshod fashion doesn’t really constitute songwriting.
ESTONIA – Because it’s drawn straight after a similar song performed much, much better, sadly.
FINLAND – Mum, those two scary ladies are squashing a dog in a box, and I think they’re going to eat it.
FRANCE – Because his vote-to-location ratio will drop considerably the further East the juries get, sadly.
GEORGIA – Because she’s the second best Georgian Sopho with the third best Georgian song (fourth, if you count the Putin one!)
GERMANY – Because she sounds like someone kicking a sea lion.
GREECE – Do you really think they want the expense of winning the thing? Cyprus must be on alert to forget to vote for ’em.
ICELAND – There’s the banks, the volcanos, XL Holidays, Eggert Magnusson – what more does a country have to do to make themselves unpopular?
IRELAND – Because if that danged and dusty volcano doesn’t hold up she’s not even going to get there.
ISRAEL – See Iceland, only without all the Icelandic stuff.
LATVIA – Because the Oxford English Dictionary are sending in a hit squad.
LITHUANIA – Because I’m sure one of them will end up pulling off more than his trousers.
MACEDONIA – This is not a band, it’s a bus queue outside an audition for Macedonia’s Got Talent.
MALTA – What’s that up ahead shining in my headlights? Is that a rabb…. oh dear…
MOLDOVA – Because Pavel Turcu was waiting for them in the TRM car park after the Moldovan final.
NETHERLANDS – I had the strangest dream. Someone told me that Father Abraham had written the Dutch entry. How silly, eh! What…? No…
NORWAY – Because Ireland/Celine Dion/The Titanic/Westlife/every X Factor balladeer ever wants their chorus back.
POLAND – Because the good voter of Europe doesn’t do difficult.
PORTUGAL – How does this go again?
ROMANIA – Can’t you see, you and me, are playing with – shit, our piano’s on fire…
RUSSIA – Because I fear that the cracking humour in this one is going to fly way above the heads of all but the most discerning of viewers, sadly.
SERBIA – Mum, there’s another scary lady on the telly, and she’s dressed like a boy. I think.
SLOVAKIA – A bad case of dutch elm swept through the Horehronie…
SLOVENIA – Donny and Marie have been on the phone, and they want their act back.
SPAIN – Because he’s not going to get rid of those diverting circus berks!
SWEDEN – Because Tom and his guitar have already eaten up all the cute but earnest votes.
SWITZERLAND – Because shallow as we all are, we just can’t see past those wingnut ears.
TURKEY – What, he didn’t collapse after all? Artistic differences you say? That’s scandalous talk…
UKRAINE – Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… no, what, you’re seriously asking?
UNITED KINGDOM – Because even the BBC appear to have given up on it.
Man, it’s happened again – no bugger is going to win Eurovision this year. How terribly remiss!