Hello all. I’ve obviously got some ground to make up on the rest of you having only just discovered the wifi in my hostel at 75 c an hour.
I shall be reviewing what I’ve heard in no particular order with my guest reviewers who are Ralph Beagle who has been drafted in because some of this year’s vocals are so ropey that they’d even make a dog’s ears hurt and also special guest Drashig from Doctor Who. Drashig is Danish and smells because she hasn’t had a bath for 5 years. Together we’ll look at what’s been going on in the Esprit Arena ……. from a safe distance
And so onto the fun:
Azerbaijan
As you’d expect the Azeri’s have nailed the visuals, probably because they spent the entire country’s GDP to do it. We are however awarding them a special Fork from Oneurope. That would be a tuning fork because they need one if they’re going to get these vocals into shape. I’m quite sure that they’ll pull the performance together enough to not only qualify but finish top ten (with or without bribes I couldn’t say) but this has some way to go.They look an ill at ease couple in spite of the fact they keep draping themselves over each other. Can’t help thinking that the young chap is eyeing up the cameraman instead. Still at least that would help the TV performance….
Ralph and Drashig:Which one’s which? It’s difficult to tell because their smug grins merge.
verdict: qualifier
Georgia
To my own personal favourite musically speaking. This is pretty much what you’d expect. Classy rock song, visually stunning. Shame that our lead singer rolled over a few cabbage patch kids on her way onto the stage. Do something about the dress dear!
R & D:We like 🙂
verdict: qualifier
Serbia
Mary Tyler Moore meets the Ronnettes. This is 60’s through and through and performed effortlessley. Best vocals so far. This sailing through to the final and then some.
R& D:More retro than retro. Lot’s of interesting shapes for us to play with though
verdict: qualifier
Malta
Imagine Mr Humphreys on speed and you’ll be getting close. It isn’t *really* bad by some standards, but it doesn’t go anywhere, except on a Wednesday flight back to Valetta. I won’t be going with him for those of you who don’t know about my love of Malta.
R&D: Where is that orange light coming from? Oh his face…
verdict: as much chance as there is of me going back to Malta
San Marino
Tidied herself up considerably and now looks quite striking. I like the song but it’s so damn ordinary and no one’s going to remember it or her by song 19. In fact most people watching won’t have a clue what San Marino is.
R&D: Lots of nice smells for us 🙂
verdict: enter with Italy next year
Finland
The arena does this boy no favours in spite of my love of the song. He looks completely lost in the weirdest looking tank top I’ve ever seen. His voice really echos around the hall and that just emphasizes how the song stands or falls on him. At the moment it’s falling. He hasn’t quite got the Tom Dice ahhhh factor just yet, but there’s still hope…
R&D: can I have his bones? No you can’t Ralph
verdict: borderline
Switzerland
Bang on girl. These three know what they’re doing. Simple and effective unlike every Swiss entry for over a decade. Does what it needs to. If this doesn’t qualify I’ll sleep on that dratted hostel bed again….
R&D:Hurray some Swiss that aren’t smug!
verdict: qualifier
Russia
Being Russia there has to be a lot of visuals so that you don’t notice the bland song. It works in this case. The choreography is effective, they act as a cohesive force and the two screens beside them blend into the stage backdrop really well and show off the lighting in all it’s splendour. We’ll be seeing him at Euroclub in the later part of next week.
R&D: stay off the bar or you’ll hurt yourself
verdict: as sure as a snowy winter in Moscow
Poland
Not in the least fussed about this. Being first is a good way to show of your wares with a stomping opener and qualify by default. They fail to capitalise on that advantage though. It’s ok, but’s going to struggle against other countries.
R&D: who was this again?
verdict: I’d quite happily never hear it again now
Greece
What the hell? He can sing at least which isn’t always the case. The choreography is baaaadddd. The rapper is even worse. If it was any other country I’d say not a chance, but given that Greece has a massive amount of guaranteed votes it’ll probably be around on the Saturday night…. 🙁
R&D: Turn the noise off
verdict: a dog’s dinner (sorry Ralph). which will unjustly qualify
Albania
ha ha ha ha ha ha …. sorry I’m still laughing at her claim that she’s 36. I’ve seen the wrinkles up close dear so don’t try and kid a kidder… Has be said that’s it’s compelling to watch though. Some of the best visuals. This could be borderline in the final. Can’t call it.
R&D: silly old lady 🙂
verdict: borderline
Armenia
Gimic a ahoy hoy. Boxing gloves and Emmy will be wearing a boxing belt come the big night. All to distarct from the fact that it’s a bland song that only got chosen because money changed hands. It’s Armenia though so it’s bound to make the top ten…
R&D: somebody certainly needs punching for this
verdict: alas for disapora qualifiers
Lithuania
This lady is scary. She smiles at us like Dr Joseph Megele and it’s really offputting. I think vocally she’s about as good as it gets this year, but no one’s going to remember this Disney reject come Tuesday evening’s close….
R&D: and I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky kids
verdict: not within a badger’s arse of qualifying…
Portugal
Exactly what it says on the tin. It’s either going to catch on big time or fall on it’s arse. I’m inclined to think it will qualify but I doubt many people will see the funny side.
R&D: Can we join the group?
verdict: march on people the final awaits
Hungary
Unlike most people, I don’t see this rehearsal as a complete disaster. Sure it needs some work, but that’s what rehearsals are for. It’s still in with a shout though I’d advise a change of frock. Looks like something she rustled up from a sheet stolen from a tart’s boudoir.
R&D: please don’t let her stroke me (Ralph)
verdict: in by the skin of her rather large teeth
Croatia
Personally I think they should have continued to call it Break a Leg and then suited actions to words. I’ve never been a fan of this but I seem to have a mental block with Croatian entries. It’s inoffensive enough but I’m thinking no.
R&D: both blined by her enormous nose
verdict: please no
Iceland
And the surprise guest is Sigjurson. Well it needs something to liven it up even if it’s a corpse…Does anyone else not find it slightly worrying to hear the line “I’m coming soon” ? have the Samaritans on stand by, we’ll all need them after this. It’s just cutsey and cynical enough to scrape through though….
R&D: Dead are only good for nutrition
verdict: yes probably
Norway
Those that have sat through the previews with me, will know I’m not a fan but if I’m being objective it could just liven the first bot of the contest up a bit. Certainly needs it. I’m inclined to say not a qualifier but that might be spite on my part 🙂
R&D: do you think if we vote her she’ll stop singing?
verdict: borderline
Turkey
Yawn. Ok your a rock band and you can play well and you’ve got a girl imprisoned a globe. Yes I know it’s going to qualify easily but it doesn’t set my world on fire. Poor after their more recent efforts.
R&D: did someone say Turkey? Oh not the kind you get in a sandwich….:-(
Verdict: dreary but through