#joinusforagoodoldmoan

Good evening.

Our older reader may remember me as a young, cheerful, naif bearer of what you might call joie de vivre. This year, unusually, I’m erring more towards what you might call a mardy old git. Absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I can’t afford a trip to the land of Lego and probably wouldn’t be allowed in even if I could, oh dear me no. Completely unrelated.

Anyway, the mysterious shadowy figure known only as Phil has asked me to do occasional drive-by blog posts over the fortnight. It seems appropriate, in this year of equally mardy old gits. 37 entrants, all of them having a right old moan and whinge. You don’t believe me? Let me show you…

ARMENIA – “It was only *one* kiss. And it’s not my fault that the current Armenian word shortage means I have to shout ‘You’re not alone!’ 735 times in 3 minutes. :-(”

LATVIA – “I want cake. And I’m clueless. :-(”

ESTONIA – “People keep saying that I’m just copying Loreen. And isn’t it cra-a-zy? Isn’t it cra-a-zy???? :-(”

SWEDEN – “People keep moaning that ‘Undo my sad’ is an awful piece of writing so I replace it with ‘undo my sad love’ which clearly isn’t awful at ALL and they’re still not happy. :-(”

ICELAND – “There’s too much prejudice against substandard songs. :-(”

ALBANIA – “Why can’t people just be nice and always think twice? Hang on, where have I heard that before? :-(”

RUSSIA – “Why did nobody tell us that getting Gerard Borg to write a song called Shine would be so unpopular with the audience? :-(”

AZERBAIJAN – To be honest, whilst I’m pretty sure that Dilara is moaning about *something* (possibly multiple somethings), I’ve only listened to the song 20 times and I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.

UKRAINE – “There’s clearly something very very wrong either with my heart or with my clock. :-(”

BELGIUM – “My only friend is my mum. WAS my mum. And even she’s started giving me peculiar looks. :-(”

MOLDOVA – “I have a horrible feeling that I should have spent some of my choreography budget on a choreographer. :-(”

SAN MARINO – “Ralph, are you absolutely sure that this will work? Generally? :-(”

PORTUGAL – Oddly, if there’s one performer this year who should be moaning, it would appear to be Suzy. But she seems worryingly cheerful. And hurrah for that!

NETHERLANDS – “Ilse, we’re only two lines into the song and the entire audience has fallen asleep. :-(”

MONTENEGRO – “We’ll go with the traditional old ex-Yugoslav ballad. There’s always a market for that in the Balkans. Who’s voting in our semi, by the way? …oh. :-(”

HUNGARY – “Child abuse is *so* awful, and yet so appropriate for Europe’s big party night. :-(”

MALTA – “I ain’t going to leave until you know my name. It would probably help if I knew my name. I’m soooo indecisive. :-(”

ISRAEL – OK, I’ll admit it, I’m not the winner of Mr. Emotional Intelligence 2014… but I can’t help but thinking that something has upset Mei. Frankly, I’m afraid to ask. 🙁

NORWAY – OK, I’ll admit it, I’ve actually never won Mr. Emotional Intelligence… but Carl seems a little unhappy about something as well. Perhaps he and Mei will find happiness together in the Copenhagen sunshine.

GEORGIA – “So our chums tried to tick every box last year and got nowhere, so obviously if we make sure that we don’t tick any boxes whatsoever, all the people will love us. Right? Right??? …oh. :-(”

POLAND – “These outfits don’t fit properly. :-(”

AUSTRIA – “Ha! I have perfected my female impersonation! Nobody will suspect a thing… what? :-(”

LITHUANIA – “You’re *sure* we can’t just carry on with our national selection until October or so? Think of the ratings! :-(”

FINLAND – “Nobody has the faintest idea what we’re on about. Including us. :-(”

IRELAND – “We are SO doomed. :-(”

BELARUS – “I’m tied up in sweet cheesecake. 🙁 No, hang on, actually that’s more of a 😀 situation o/”

FYR MACEDONIA – “That Nick’s talking the shits again. I’m pretty pleased with life, me!”

SWITZERLAND – “It’s 10 years since a Swiss entry scored 0 in a semifinal! That’s… that’s… we’re due, aren’t we? :-(”

GREECE – “Nope, perfectly happy here. I mean, the country’s still *slightly* crisis-hit, and we haven’t *completely* got a broadcaster to represent… as such… exactly… LOOK! LOOK OVER THERE! BIG DISTRACTING THING!”

SLOVENIA – “We decided to have a go. What’s the worst that can happen? …oh. :-(”

ROMANIA – “Remembered everything Ovi?” “Think so, Paula. I’ve got my neon piano and my cheeky grin.” “Good good, and I’ve packed my big operatic notes and flirty-yet-wholesome attitude. Now, which bag did you pack the chorus in?” “Chorus? Oh… uh-oh”. “:-(” “:-(”

GERMANY – “This is amazing! Our charming inexperience and German song for German people has charmed all Germany! And I bet now it’ll charm all Europe, right? Right? Is it right… it’s… it’s wrong, isn’t it. :-(”

SPAIN – “There’s been a terrible mix-up with the flight arrangements, and my dancer’s in Bahrain. BAHRAIN. BAHRAIN!!!!! :-(”

FRANCE – “I’ve got a moustache to grow. And I’ve got no clue at all. :-(”

ITALY – “I. HATE. EVERYTHING!!!! *angry face*”

UNITED KINGDOM OF VARIOUS THINGS – “This is the highlight of my entire musical career! :-(”

DENMARK – “I met this lady. And she’s *lovely*. But she likes parties. :-(”

Hang on. Wait what? Denmark, seriously, that’s like the worst moan ever. I expect plenty better moans over the next fortnight or so. GET TO IT!