The Final Flimsy Filing Copy of Futility

I may have been slightly wrong about Austria not qualifying on Thursday, and the Cushelle of Calamity has been flushed with failure straight into the Sewers of Serenity*.

* Note to self – remember to improve this paragraph before hitting Publish. It’s rubbish.

In spite of this, I kind of feel obligated to put 26 random songs from 26 random countries into 26 1 random orders and call it a prediction. It’s what we do. So here goes. Ignore it with my compliments!

THE SOUTH-EAST OF THE SCOREBOARD

There are some pretty obvious runners and riders in the race to the bottom. Belarus in the running order from hell, Germany forgotten after Conchita, Loved-Yet-Doomed San Marino, and poor friendless Slovenia and Montenegro who traditionally aren’t even all that keen on each other. All five of those will be in the bottom 7, as will France (nasty draw, just looks silly after Sanna) but that leaves room for a bit of freestyle failure. I’m going to go out on a massive limb and tip a shockingly bad result and perhaps even another accidental last for Norway – it just seems to have had every single one of its assets stolen by someone else. Nordic intimacy? Well, that’ll be Sweden then. Manly intimacy? Hellooooo Netherlands. Early draw intimacy? “Hi, we’re Armenia and Azerbaijan and I gather you’ve got some intimacy. VWIPPPP… we’ll have that, ta.” A ballad with a beard? Hahaha, I think there might be a more obvious beard a bit later on. Where have the juries put it? 6th or 7th, at best. Who’s going to look at the 15 second reprises at 23:00 CET and say “THAT’S THE ONE!!!”? Nobody.

Obviously it’ll now win with 350 points. I’m having that kind of year.

THE NORTH-EAST OF THE SCOREBOARD

You know the fellows. Those six or so countries that zoom up to 50 points with friendly points and then get stuck and get no further. People like Romania, Poland, Iceland, Russia, Finland and Italy. Them.

THE SOUTH-WEST OF THE SCOREBOARD

You get nothing for coming 11th. Not in this game. Spain, Switzerland and Denmark are giving it a game try, but that’s as far as they get.

THE WEST OF THE SCOREBOARD

Of course, you get nothing for coming 6th to 10th either. Which is a shame. Perhaps they should take up Premier League football instead, those dudes live in a world where Nothing Makes Prizes. I digress.

Candidly, I think Malta is in my top 10 only out of sentiment. It wasn’t as good as it needed to be on Thursday and I thought it was more going home than coming home by the time the 11th great song in a row had performed. Draw slot’s nice, but 10th is as good as it can get.

Ukraine in 9th has been kind of killed by the draw. Something a bit friendlier and 5th or 6th might have been attainable. If Hamster Man decides to fall out of his wheel (which still seems to be a 50-50 chance) then all bets are off.

I’m bracketing Azerbaijan and Armenia as fighting it out for 7th and 8th, because I think they will be and I know how much they love being bracketed together.

Greece can rise up all the way to 6th, but looking at my top 5 I can’t see them rising any further.

THE NORTH-WEST OF THE SCOREBOARD

Oh me oh my. I have no idea what kind of idea Europe’s going to be in tonight and as the numbers come in, we could order these five absolutely any which way depending on who brings their biggest performance out.

Sweden, I think, are headed for an honourable 5th. Performing just after the half-time commercial break to the tune of “Sweden were drawn in the first half of this running order, dontcha know?” does Sanna no favours. But, it’s her first time in this contest and of course she’s welcome to it.

Hungary can match Friderika Bayer‘s 4th place, if they like. Jury bait, televoter friendly, continent-wide resonance, the strong handsome protective man that your 14 year old little sister will pick up the phone for and (she’s now pretty certain) will eventually marry.

United Kingdom can come third, I should think. I’m not calling anything better than that. I’m British myself and even predicting 3rd gives me a nosebleed.

THE GREENLAND OF THE SCOREBOARD

I actually have no idea. My heart says Netherlands, my gut says Austria, my head says “Are you seriously, *seriously* naming Austria and Netherlands as the top two countries in a modern-era Eurovision Song Contest? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! *points and laughs*”.

My head probably has a point. But, I blogged in 2006 that “Any country can win with any genre as long as it’s good” and I suppose I’d better let 2006-me have the final word.

2006-me says “Shrinking violets don’t win this contest, and Alf Poier and Conchita Wurst will be hosting the contest in the state of the art F***ing Arena in F***ing, Austria next year. Subject to EBU approval of the venue, obviously.”

Thanks, 2006-me! (Idiot.)