The time has come. Yes, at least three of you have been bothering us endlessly to put up the old traditional explanation of why that song you really like isn’t going to win Eurovision. And this year was harder than ever, because it’s clear that not one of them actually wants to try and pack the crystal microphone into their hand luggage.
So join us as we lazily pick apart the 37 runners and riders in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest with witty bon mots, rude similies and obscure flights of fancy. They’re not as good as last year’s, mind…
Albania
She’s so tiny that even a bat’s radar won’t pick her up, and she’ll slip between the TV broadcasting waves and out of your telly.
Armenia
One song at a time please, sir.
Austria
Because the folks at home will still have the slide rule out trying to establish exactly what they’ve just seen.
Azerbaijan
“Maaaa, can I have a go on the swings?”
Belarus
“Hello, this is Robin Thicke’s lawyer. My client would like his act back. Yes, before Thursday.”
Belgium
“One more waffer thin slice, Mr Creosote…?”
Denmark
All was going well until some fool decided to unveil his massive pudgy face on a flag the size of Finland.
Estonia
Amazing my arse.
Macedonia
A sad, but all-too-common instance of singer being better than the song. At least, we think there’s a song in there…
Finland
Because the quality rock(ish) song never actually wins. Does it?
France
Can there be such a thing as too hip? In this case, most probably.
Georgia
Because the massed ranks of European prog fans will be too busy stroking their collective beards (male and female) and trying to work out the hidden significance of Rick Wakeman’s morse code bits in the song Total Mass Retain from the 1972’s Close To The Edge album to actually watch Eurovision.
Germany
Because oompah always plods.
Greece
Because bouncy tune plus trampoline equals serious ankle injury and a lengthy
hospital visit.
Hungary
Because the second the commentator mentions the fatal words ‘child abuse’ as
opposed to ‘domestic violence’ it’s all over.
Iceland
Because the juries will think it’s a novelty song, despite having the most thoughtful lyric of the year, and the fans always hate a positive song sung by ugly men.
Ireland
You seriously have to ask?
Israel
Well she terrifies me, so what’s she going to do to the nans and tots that tend to actually vote in this thing!
Italy
Because it looks more like she’s lost one of her contact lenses when she does that rock’n’roll crawly about things. Dust off your knees lass and act like a grown up!
Latvia
Three minutes before they go on stage they’ll be struck by the collective realisation that they really are talking a load of old cobblers and just cycle off down to the waterside to spend the rest of the weekend busking for spare change.
Lithuania
Barbara Dex is on the phone…
Malta
“Hello, this is Mumford and Sons’ lawyer. My client would like their act back. Yes, before Thursday.”
Moldova
Because crow-barring an entire stage musical into three minutes in an ill-advised frock is never a vote winner.
Montenegro
Because at nine feet three he contravenes all European health and safety edicts for a performer, and will be forced to stoop for three quarters of the performance. Well, at least that will detract from the bloody stupid ice skater.
Norway
Because his plaintive, sorrowful wail will attract every narwhal in the Baltic, who’ll swim up river en masse, leap onto the nearby dock, and puncture any latecomers bustling to get into the arena. Imagine the furore as all that spiky whalemeat flaps its way into the hall. It’ll be terrible.
Poland
Because anyone who would be likely to vote for it will either be taking a quick, ahem, comfort break in the lavatory, or ordering a defibrillator from the local hospital.
Portugal
Because lambada was sooooo last century.
Romania
Because the law of diminishing Eurovision returns stipulates that this will come no higher than seventh. And also because it’s trite, ingenuine old shite.
Russia
Because someone wearing blue and yellow was seen mucking about with that seesaw just before they went on stage…
San Marino
Third time unlucky(er).
Slovenia
Because Lithuania wants her chorus back.
Spain
Curse of the shouty ballad. Come on, think back – when was the last time a big belter ever harvested a big time points haul!
Sweden
This year’s candidate for the one where we can’t find any single reason for it not winning, but that we know just won’t. And anyway, we surely can’t afford another Scandi contest, can we?
Switzerland
All this raggle taggle buskatron business is making me itch.
The Netherlands
Well, we’ve got to leave the Dutch with something to grumble about, haven’t we.
Ukraine
Because that hamster wheel will accidentally slip off its moorings, rolling back stage and inadvertently crushing the Russian twins, who were being hosed down in the wings. This would then spark an international incident of such swift gravity that when we left the cavernous walls of the big old boat house, the gleaming spires of Copenhagen will have been decimated by a nuclear strike, and WWIII will be well under way.
United Kingdom
We’re coming twelfth, we’re coming twelfth, we’re coming…
The UK are coming twelfth
(Sung to the tune of Three Lions, if you’re a bit slow)
Lol
I think in the balance Austria.
Even with camara trickery, the beard is obvious, the performance knocks spots off Ruut Lahenzoe;) on balance it does stand out.
Brilliant!
Malta. Lady Gaga. Malta. Lady Gaga. …Lady Gaga? …Malta?
I’m a little off the pace with these modern musicians. Who’s Lady Gaga?
Remember the Icelandic singer, who sang a self penned, Congratulations, and got booed by “stiffs” like here, but better
Sweden
Becuase you can’t undo what’s already been undone, sadly
(Hope you’re taking suggestions!)
Suggestions are always welcome, sir. Probably much better than mine!