Oh yes, that time has arrived. The one you’ve all been waiting for (OK, maybe not all. Perhaps just a couple of Portuguese psychopaths and my nan, but you get my drift). Yes, it’s the time that I explain to you why your favourite song isn’t going to win – although this year it seems harder than ever before, because it’s absolutely clear that no bugger actually wanted it this year. The evidence is compelling, as I’m sure you’ll agree…
Moldova
Because seeing as they’re really Ukrainian this year, their big neighbours to the East might decide to kill two birds with one stone and annex this song too. Thank heavens it wasn’t Kitty Brucknell after all.
Armenia
Of course, it’s all political… (And being a big, garbled mess won’t help, either).
Belgium
Because when he looks deep into the camera, that mild squint will make you unsure whether he’s looking at you or the budgie in the corner.
Netherlands
Because they got rid of the only thing that actually made it worth talking about when they binned THAT dress.
Finland
Because the punks of Europe will be out actually watching punk and be too cidered up to vote, while everyone else will be going: “What’s this racket?”
Greece
Because Disney ballads are sooooo turn of the century (and pretty un-Greek, too).
Estonia
Because there’s a difference between looking cool and disaffected and looking downright bored.
Macedonia
Because however good a singer Daniel is, on stage here he just looks like a competition winner who’s got up on stage with Blackstreet for the encore.
Serbia
Beauty never wins.
Hungary
Because that tree of guns in the background looks bloody silly, however well-intentioned it is. It’s almost as if they designed it on the country’s official Commodore 64 for an early Wolfenstein game.
Belarus
Love is indeed like thunder. Loud, turbulent, exciting, heart-wrenching. Nothing much like this song, then.
Russia
Because apparently, much like Millwall FC and the American police, no one likes them, but they don’t care.
Denmark
Oi lads, McBusted want their song back.
Albania
In all honesty, can YOU remember how it goes without looking it up on YouTube? Nah, me neither.
Romania
It’s never a good idea having The Hood from Thunderbirds hiding in plain view as your singer. At some point he’ll forget himself and try to do something nefarious – like tie Iceland’s woman-child to the front of the tram or something equally callous – then International Rescue will plunge in through the ceiling like the mercenary clots they are to try and see him off, only to let him escape through a drain like they always bloody do.
Georgia
Because oximated.
Lithuania
Because that kiss looks so ingenuine that the good viewers of Europe will have crossed it off their voting list long before their pasty cheeks have separated.
Ireland
Because the lovely Molly will have suddenly decided: “Ah, but it’s all shit!” and gone off with her man Greg to play all the dingy cellar bars of Central Europe – with her shoes off. And good on her!
San Marino
Because in a curious post modern tern of events, Uncle Ralf Siegel realises that he’s actually plagiarising himself, and serve himself a cease and desist writ only seconds before these two tiny mites take to the stage. There were tears and everything.
Montenegro
Beppe from Eastenders has let himself go. I guess the washing powder adverts must have dried up then.
Malta
Because in a stroke of cool comedy genius, the EBU drew both of these songs next to each other in the final so no one at home could remember which was which. (Hey, wait a minute… did I say final? Ah ha ha ha ha ha…)
Norway
Because the local police discover what he actually did in his early youth, and drag him off in handcuffs during the middle eight.
Portugal
Because it’s a bit dull.
Czech Republic
Because on the big night, she threw her shoes just a bit too hard and impaled that bloke with the inflatable Israeli hammer down the front smack centre in the forehead with her stiletto. Blood, danger, chaos. (It went down well in the posh seats, mind…)
Israel
So perturbed was he by the fate of hammer boy down the front that he plain refused to go on stage. (Although this had nothing to do with his sudden realisation that Golden Boy wasn’t actually a song as such, but a medley of scraps from down the back of his songwriter’s sofa).
Latvia
Because when has anything this cool, sparse and excellent ever scored well at Eurovision?
Azerbaijan
Because all the shady call centres, friends in Malta and secret VPN connections won’t make the good voting people of Europe ignore that pair doing the silly, distracting dancing in the background.
Iceland
Because not content with dressing like a seven-year-old girl, she decides to act like one, and sits with her arms folded and the back to the crowd in a sulk until they agree to show Frozen on the big screen at the back instead.
Sweden
Because the pre-contest favourite always lets us down, surely? (And I’ve heard that David Guetta wants his song back, anyway).
Switzerland
You know what? I can’t think of a darned comedy thing to say about this song – what is probably reason enough that it’ll struggle to actually stay on the scoreboard, let along get many points.
Cyprus
Because sweet understated songs like this always come fifth.
Slovenia
That bloody daft air violinist will put paid to any remote chance they had of dragging us all to Ljubljana next year. Bah!
Poland
Because the stagehands have all previously worked at and English hospital, and inadvertently left her parked in a lonely corridor for 15 hour and forgot where she was.
Austria
Because lime all good home entries, it’s perfectly designed to come eleventh.
Australia
Because the good voting constituents of Europe will be too busy going “Eh? how can this be?!” to actually listen to the song enough to vote for it.
France
The seventies are calling. They want their song back.
Germany
Is it just me, or is she really not likeable in any way? If there’s enough of us of a similar view that should put paid to her chances before she sings a note.
Italy
Because it’s one of the great truisms of Eurovisiona – popera always bombs!
Spain
A half-decent song, it’s true. But the staging is just so dang ridiculous that it could only be overshadowed by, say, a comedy Charleston thing, with lumpy stairs and lights that don’t work. Oh. And anyway, she’s bound to say something that manages to insult every town and village in Europe at some point.
United Kingdom
What do you mean this isn’t going to win? In a competition this pedestrian, a big explosion of singalong fun like this is absolutely going to walk the thing! Naaaaah, only kidding. We’re bloody doomed again, aren’t we – and we can’t blame any wars, the EU or imagined political voting for this one.