LIVE BLOG – Eurovision 2019 – First semi-final

We're closing the live blog cos there is only fake voting and a reprise of Digiloo Diggy Ley from a somewhat older Herrey's triplets. 

Good Night -  Thanks for viewing and I know you have been in your tens! 😉  G'night!

They've rehashed Swedish Smorgasborad from a few years ago and made me laugh like a drain again - Hurrah!

That is all!

Not that you were - because you can't and if you did - why the hell did you!!

More intervals showing NF shenanigans now!

it wasnt bad.   

Charlotte Perelli looked like she had the wing nuts tightened. 

Sertab looks older

Helena wasn't the real singer of her winning song anyway!!

Recap number 2

And now its the Eurovision sing song contest... this could be hideous and/or wonderful at the same time.  

But as previously stated - A simp loves that song and it got me again

Sorry - not - sorry

I'm told from the arena that it was a 2:! Booing to clapping ratio for IL. 

Technical problems - fucked if I knew what they were, but I get to watch Mustii again - Yay!!

Switzerland

Belgium

Latvia

Armenia

Netherlands

Norway

Israel

San Marino

Czechia

Denmark

--------------

Malta

Georgia

Albania

Estonia

Greece

Austria

Edsillia and Duncan here. 

Some people think* that this is just a shouty piss take by a Dutch man on stage and, mostly, it is everything you think it is.  

However remember the kicker is the final 30 seconds of the song where he reveales everything he does is to make his Dad proud and that is the message that should be taken away from this.  

I fear, though, it will be lost in all the noice and madness and mentalness of the preceeding 2:30 and Europe will vote on that.  

Qualifying, of course, but not for the reasons you think. 

If Secret Garden and Bambithug had a musical baby - you'd get this! - It's the third witch of the week and, arguably, the second best one.  

I know some people that are friends of mine that absolutely love this song and think its ace and dark and etherial and stuff.  

I just think its shouty noise but very well staged.  Your lead singer knows where the camera is, unlike in the preview video that I have reviewed earlier in the piece, but she just seems too "busy" for me and is just spouting noise rather than actual singing but, hey, we're all different.  

Israel it is.  

Whatever I say here is going to be wrong with a portion of you and so I shall do what I have been doing for the last 25 years - telling you how I see it.  

I hear Eden being booed on stage when she opens her mouth and that comes through onto the feed and I reckon they had planned not to do that.  The staging is Eden in a circle with some dancers cavorting round her.  

Vocally she's coping with all the shit she has had to endure throughout the last six months.  The audience seems muted by the time the second chorus kicks in, 

As she sings in Hebrew at the end there are more cheers and only sporadic clappiug in the hall - most of the noise is dubbed.  

Loads of words from Angelina Mango, as you would expect.

Immaculately performed and Italy can, as we have said on many occasions, win this contest as and when it likes.  

Has it chosen to do so this year? - Doubtful but it has more than a passing chance of getting up near the top reaches of the board.  

Switzerland

Belgium

Latvia

Azmenia

San Marino

Czechia

Denmark

Malta

Georgia

Albania

Estonia

Greece

Austria

Dave, Tanel and Urban Symphony.

The planned "Crazy" of this song is jarring against the quality of Belgium.  Estonia know what they were about in this contest and, when it was picked, i'm pretty sure that they thought they were in a very small barrel - however as the contest has gone on they seem less relevant with all the sideshow that certain countries have become and this just smacks of the supply teachers having fun at the Christmas party. 

Forced fun at it's worst.  But the crowd like it, then again they liked Finland last night...

Pray silence for the winner! - In my head anyway....

I've been disappointed once already tonight - will I be saddened a second time??

First verse and I'm hooked.  I'm totally sold on the whole look and feel of the song and Mustii is playing to the camera and knows where the red light is and, crucially, he's not over selling the song in the bits it doesn't need to be sold. 

Then it cranks up and lets it fucking go and i'm a gooey mess at my chair.  this is strong and well performed and even the repetitive bit of the song suits the performance.  

Yeah, I'm a Mustii Simp and i'm fucking here for it.  This stands a chance of winning the whole damn lot in my opinion.  

That.. Was... Class

Sopho and Nina

Another dance break song sung by someone that could have stepped right out of greek/cypriot Cosmo.  What is it with Firl "bops" these days that people like so much? 

As if on cue, here comes the dance break and all the fire that Nutsa can't put out cos she doesn't have the right equipment.  It's a damn good job that this wasn't placed 4th in the running order or it would have been missed.  It's decent enough but comes after a run of damn strong songs and it should get through, but I can't imagine all the girl pops getting in - something has to miss out?

Valentina and Serhat!

And now, the real Spanish entry by some people that have more talent in their upraised finger they are giving to Loredana than Nebulossa has in her entire body. 

This is calculated mental.  Megara is doing for the girls, clearly, with a great stage production that is more accessable than Bambithug was yesterday and, as such, won't frighten the children or any adults that are still going to be watching. 

It's all very shocking pink and in your face as a rock song should be and is the closest thing to real rock we will get in this contest.  No issues with the vocal, they all seem spot on from where I am watching this from and there are Pyro and a cartoon Megara and those light up skeleton suits we all had as children.   It grinds to a great climax and this should be sailing through, 

because Spain are on next.  

It's a good job Malmomassen and Malmo Arena are a distance away cos I would quite happily slap the living fuck out of her smug old mumsnet face. 

I can't hide this, Europe, I despise this with every fibre of my being and being forced to watch it against my will is like water torture.  

Her microphone fails part way through the first chorus and the gays in the press centre think their world has come crashing down around their ears. 

They are going to be disappointed when this tanks and I will laugh heartily!

Marie N and Aminata, 

Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness comes onto stage next, looking like a baddie out of Stingray.....  you're not getting those references are you?!

Pfft

Doms is singing in a shiny blue cat suit which does a surprising job of showing off muscles that his skinny frame can clearly not cash but we're here for the song. 

It's a good one - despite the very aloof persona that he is projecting onto the screen in front of me.  Mind you, it's not a sing and dance song but more a feeling song and boy does he tap into those feelings.  

It's one of those performances which you feel and are instantly drawn to if you are only half paying attention to.   By the time you get to the second chorus, you're drawn in and I wish it went on for another minute longer than it does but, as with all good things, you'll have to wait for Saturday for more of this genius!

Switzerland

Armenia

Czechia

Denmark

Malta

Albania

Greece

Austria

Inga and Anush and Rosa Linn. 

Gird your loins, people, for this is has a whiff of the spice market crossed with Pomegranates. 

This is what this semi final has been waiting for, something that actually wakes you up , slaps you in the face and says "Vote for me, bitch" and are YOU going to argue with her? - I'm certainly in no position to do so.  

It's staged immaculately with the band behind her on a stepped pyramid which must only just have passed Swedish Health and Safety Law I would hope.  The Dance break is an integral part of this song and not *just* an excuse to ensure that the three minutes has got to within the rules.  

I'm smiley and happy and think it's a breath of fresh air and I love it!

Hot Eyes and Olsens. 

From the car-crash "quality" of Kaleen to someone who actually can sing in the shape of SABA.  

There is a bit of a delay before the song - I reckon they are taking the remnants of Kaleen's voice with them but Saba does come onto stage.  She seems a little hesitant in the first few lines as she trickles the sand down  in front of her face but the crowd help her out with some well times clapping. 

She soon gets into the groove of the song as the chorus hits, thought, and knows exactly how to perform what is, essentially, an underpowered song to great effect.   And just as I type that, she falls off some more notes - they say there is a commentators kiss of death and I think tonight I happen to have just that.  

Thankfully she does get it back to a decent finish.  I wouldn't have her big face on the screen behind her for three minutes on the backdrop though - but I have never staged a Eurovision song!

I likes that one. 

Conchita and Cesar on the postcard.

Oh Kaleen, you raven haired minx, you had all the right ingredients and you shoved them in an over and gave us this pile of dog shite!

I was dissapointed after the first five notes and started crying into my Pepsi max - She's absolutely hideous and even the introduction of ALL THE LASERS isn't helping me like this song which has lived rent free in my head for weeks and weeks.  

There is some heavy off stage help going on here because she's not making all those notes of her own accord I can tell you of that.  

She then fails to his any of the requisite notes in the second half of the contest.  This performance needs to be put out of it's misery quickly, a bit like a fallen horse at the Grand National.   She tries to riff off the backing track but the damage is donw. 

It's bad, Jim, very bad!

Marie Myriam and Babara Pravi - no Profil - Shameful!

Slimane, who passed me on the way out of Max Burgers in the Emporia shopping centre last week, is all alone on stage with a lot of "Frenchness" oozing from every pore.  

It's all very dramatique and, a bit like Switzerland, up it's own arse, but I guess that is what the point of this song is all about.  It's all about him, and more him as he bumps into the camera and then plays with it and sings to it like he and you are the only thing in the world.  

Then he steps back and doesn't sing into the microphone, but the one he is wearing - I hate this bit with a passion - Yes we know you can sing - you're in a singing contest you prick. 

However the gays in the press centre think its the best thing since Greece - It isn't. 

Time for an interval act about Jahn Teigen....

Switzerland

Czechia

Malta

Albania

Greece

Mikloas and We Are Domi for the postcard, because there is very little else. 

This, surprisingly, comes as a blessed relief after all of the samey songs and Switzerland.  It's your typical Eurovision rock song that Aiko is taking to places that this song has no right to be at.  

She's giving it good camera face as this goes on and is hitting every camera shot really nicely.  It's not totally in your face and the addition of the pyro in the middle makes the crowd go wild.  

Got to admit - I didnt give this much of a prayer but now, now I do... That's good is that!

Celine and Gjon;s Tears here - Lys will be spinning in her cryogenic chamber in Lausanne!

This is going to find itself in direct comparison with Croatia when it comes to Saturday and, to me, there is no comparisson.  This song is smug and cloying and Nemo does nothing on stage to get me going at all.  It feels like a massive in-joke for the first couple of minutes as they dance on the Lazy Susan and mince around the stage. 

Underneath it, all, there is a damn good song but the televoter is going to have to get through the performance art to get there and I'm not sure if they are going to be able to do that.  

As far as Thursday goes, safely through.  I don't think it's winning on a Saturday near by though.  

Marinella and Paparizou for the postcard here. 

God I hate this song with a passion, and I can only write that, I can't say it because the table of Greek people in front of me are very loudly whooping before this song starts. 

She's very sharp at the beginning, more so than she was supposed to be I reckon and the tik-tok filter is a nice touch but, again, as with the other two songs tonight, it's just a dance break (Specifically Greek dance in this one) surrounded by what passes as a song.  It doesn't engage me at all because I've just seen two songs that are pretty much the same.  

It gets old quick and tired even faster and despite the whoops in the croud it does literally nothing for me.  

Sorry

Kejsi Tola and Rona on the postcard because, why not.  

i've said it before and i'll say it again, Besa is singing a version of the same Albanian song that has been entered into this contest for the last few years and, as with Malta, I think *they* have found her round the back of the bins as well. 

To me, she's not *quite* on pitch with some of the notes in the first part of the song and its clearly aimed for the gays - as with so much in this contest - but, what's that? - Bey0nce is on the phone and she wants her ballad back? - She's welcome to it.  But it's a street better than Malta and it does only have to beat Six and I reckon it might.  My other issue with it, though, is that it just doesn't have enough energy to last the full three minutes and it feels laboured. 

Chiara and Destiny are on the postcard - Helen and Joseph have been sorely missed by THIS member of the press let me tell you. 

I had heard that this had "no right to be as good as it was" so lets see how well that went in practice.   The first thing I notice is that ALL OF FUCKING MALTA seemingly wrote this song - and they all need slapping!

I'm still of the opinion that Malta bought Sarah from behind the back of the bins and she is, actually, a Chanel wannabe.  Cyprus opened yesterday with exactly the same song, less the long dance break where Sarah, thankfully, stops singing and dnaces to fill in the fact that the 90 song writers couldnt do a three minute job. 

God almighty its tedious but it gets the show started.  Mind you, she then has some long notes towards the end of the song and she misses them by the eidth of the Channel.

Go away and think about what you have done. 

A Pastiche f Tattoo from our hosts on sunbeds and we're suddenly into the arena (which again doesn't look boycotted as much as the internet would have you believe)

They play that piece of music and show is some highlights of last night - and the qualifiers (which still includes Slovenia for reasons!)

Get your drinks and snacks and shit

Sit down in the company of us freaks as we talk you through this shite.... 😉