Why your favourite didn’t qualify

Eurovision

So in the spirit of co-operation and talking the shits at Eurovision, here is a quick run down of the eleven non winners of the last two nights and why Mr Phil thinks they didn’t qualify.

Malta

This is possibly the most difficult one of the lot.  I so wanted this to qualify because it seemingly deserved to, but then I remembered that there was no song to speak of and “Feeling better in my sweater” is a shit line.

Latvia

I still think that is a one trick pony.  It looked a darn sight better on stage than it did in video but who on earth was going to vote for this? – Precisely no one, that’s who!

Ireland

Fat Elvis in a cat suit singing a dirge whilst plodding down some stairs with some fireworks as an afterthought does not a qualifier make.

Azerbaijan

Because YTS ended in 1987 or so and Borstal was too full.  No, seriously, this is literally two songs taped together, they admitted that, and it showed.

Netherlands (The)

Oh jesus, where do I start with this?  How about AVROTROS – NO! – If you decide to throw two singers together and then remember they can’t sing – and then get a song purely because of the writer then you get what you deserve!

Denmark

Now look – KPOP is popular in, say, Korea but when its sung by a foetus with hardly any voice mincing around and you DON’T see anything wrong with that in the viewing room, you are in trouble.

Romania

Because it’s shit.  – and the fact that my Dad said to me after then second voting rundown ” Oh do fuck off”.

Iceland

A woman throwing herself on the floor shouting at me for three minutes is not what I wanted.  I thought she needed a medical intervention at some point, then I realised that having three toes removed in quick succession was less painful and traumatic.

Greece

Do you need to ask? – It is a GCSE music project put into the contest.

Georgia

Because it lost in a fair fight with Armenia and there was no will in the world that both of them would qualify.

San Marino

106 other songs were deemed worse than a man greasing himself over the screen at me telling me I smelled like an unspecified animal.  My BO is no concern of his, especially when it is set to music.  That, and it wasn’t very good.

I’m sure that most of you won’t agree with this – so tell me about it in the comments!

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Mo Fanning
Admin
9 months ago

Spot on

Shai
Shai
9 months ago

Netherlands- That’s what you get when both singers are out of tune when they start singing their own solo, when it doesn’t really feel as a duet and there is no chemistry between the 2 singers.

Romania – It’s a song contest , not an art project. He sung is own song and probably doesn’t know his own limits

Greece – when we wrote the song did he make sure it’s in the right key because there was a big gap between what he wrote and what he sung