Why YOUR favourite song isn’t going to win Eurovision 2019 – revised for the final

Zero Gravity
High flying adored

As usual, I’ve been taking a close look at all the runners and riders for this year’s The Eurovision and I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that there’s not a single one of them that’s trying to win it. Even that Russia. It’s almost as if they’ve been watching THAT episode of Father Ted and have sent their very own ‘Lovely Horse’ for a laugh. So here’s why we reckon your favourite song won’t win at Eurovision this year. And don’t worry, as is the tradition, it’s not quite as funny as last year’s list (not even the bits I’ve nicked off Eurovision Lemurs)…

If you’d like to see the FULL version of this post with the eliminated songs included, you just need to click here.

“Michaela? Yeah, there’s some bloke called Boy George on the phone and he’s got the right hump. He’s demanding royalties and a co-writing credit before he’ll even allow you to go on stage in Tel Aviv. Yeah, I know…”

Because although songs about the Albanian diaspora and the Kosovo War are going to go down well with locals and expats, we can think of quite a few less than friendly neighbours who’ll take a pretty dim view of that kind of thing. And even if the rest of the continent votes it best, there’s just enough that won’t to cost it dear. (Yeah, we know it’s a bit serious for an opening paragraph, but you know, alphabetical order and all that!)

Czechia (Honestly, it is Czechia. Why does nobody believe them?)
Because that spoken word bit in the mock mockney accent is about the most skin-crawling Eurovision moment of the last ten years at least. Plus, is it just us or is the lyric just a little bit sex pesty?

Because this song only underlines that last year was clearly an utter and absolute fluke.

“Comrade Putin? Yes, we’ve had a little bit of an issue with our ongoing attempt to control the results of the Eurovision, thereby destabilising the planet’s economy with our proxy media war. Yes… yes sir. Well, the call centres and click farms around the continent were just that little bit TOO efficient this year, and the glorious motherland have got perhaps a few too many votes to have been entirely believable. How many? Erm… Does 45 million and twelve sound too many? Yeah, I think it’s the twelve that makes it sound less believable. I think they’ve rumbled us sir… No, I’ve never been to Siberia…”

“Hello! Can someone get me down off this chair? Hello!?! This storage facility in Herning is terribly cold and lonely. Helooooo???”

San Marino
Come on, you KNOW this isn’t going anywhere near winning. So let’s just enjoy it for the glorious slab of unmitigated fun that it is, eh, and stop thinking too deeply about it.

North Macedonia
Czechia were jealous. Czechia have been trying to get the world to adopt their new name for some years without so much as a by your leave. But here come North Macedonia with their shiny new moniker and everybody takes it to their hearts in mere weeks. So Czechia devised a plan with certain elements from the Macedonians’ southerly neighbours who still aren’t terribly pleased at how this whole name thing has turned out. It mainly involved finding a way to scramble the offending name on every kind of televised broadcast rather than anything terribly dangerous, but it still caused enough confusion to mess with the scoring at the end of the night.  But if they’re ignored for another year who knows what may happen…

Because the pressure of being the first man to have written both the winner and the last placed song in the same year will have become just that bit too much for him and his mind won’t be on the game. I mean, it’s not like anybody’s going to ask him about it in a press conference or an interview or anything…

Because these two are soooo into each other that they’ll completely forget where they are, stop singing, and begin to just stare at each other, all dewy eyed, until big Henric skulks on and prods them with a stick.

Because diminishing returns are a terrible, terrible thing. Plus Asanda wants her farty trumpets back. As does Maruv…

“Duncan mate. Some bloke called Aram MP3 is on the phone. Yeah, it is a funny name. He says he’s seen your future…”

Because ladies who sing like somebody is firmly squeezing a mule never seem to do well at this contest. And people only like the video for the girl eating the grapes, anyway.

This is actually a Sacha Baron Cohen character isn’t it? He’ll rip off the mask in the last moments of his Jury Final and do a swear, resulting in his instant disqualification, surely. We can’t see any other reason why he’s here…

Because however culturally important this is to the folks from the Scandi regions, when the little bald bloke in the shiny trousers turns to the camera and yoiks, the rest of the continent are going to spit their tea out in a loud guffaw and break into a collective Swedish Chef impersonation. Sad but true.

United Kingdom
Brexit my arse. You don’t get big points by sending plucky lads from the sandwich shop, bless his lovely little hopeful heart.

Because the way things are going at the moment Europe most probably will have crumbled by the time Eurovision comes around.

Before him in his semi sits one of the most anarchically batshit entries in all Eurovision history, and behind him one of artistically unhinged. Good heavens, even his own mum will have forgotten him after being the bland jam in such an epic nonsense sandwich.

Because the True-Blue-era-Madonna-in-the-style-of-Camila-Cabello trib act is just about the one genre that we really didn’t need.

Because once he’s got his kit on in order to perform on a family show, everyone will suddenly realise that there really isn’t much of a song hiding behind his lovely muscley chest.

Because as much as we like the lad, “internet sensation in your own language group” very rarely translates into “anyone else giving a shit”. He’d have done better if he’d brought an actual song along with the admittedly admirable message.

Because while everyone in the hall will try to clap along in the chorus, its unusual quarter beat timing will mean that the whole darned place will whack their mitts together at random places, totally putting the poor lad off his rhythm. It’ll all end in utter garbled mayhem unless the stage crew make a ‘For the love of god don’t clap!’ announcement before the performance.

Hang about, didn’t Moldova sing this in the first rounds?

“Hello Luca? This is celebrity psychic Sally Morgan. I’ve been getting messages from the afterlife from Patrick Swayze and he’s not best pleased. He wants me to come round a do a Whoopi Goldberg on you… only less pleasantly…” (Yeah yeah, I know I’m mixing my filmic metaphors here, but why let that get in the way of a bad joke).

Because in their efforts to show that they’re just like everyone else at Eurovision, Australia decided it was their turn to have a doomed popera song on their tally. Next year: dad rock.

All they needed to do was repeat their national final winning performance, but they had to mess about with it and iron out all the joy…

So there we are, another winnerless year. When will anybody ever want to actually win this thing?