Why your favourite didn’t win Eurovision – 2025 Edition – The bottom Third

As Mister Roy of this parish writes why no bugger will win the contest every year, not one of you asks, but gets anyway, why your fave didn’t win the Eurovision from Mister Phil! – aren’t you lucky?

26^th San Marino  – 8pts Jury , 18pts Televote.

Well it’s a damn good job that Italy Major did their best to put through a song that 13 million of them had heard last February isn’t it? I despair at SMRTV changing the selection method mid stream and penalising those already in the system.  The song, however, is a pile of old nonsense. Gabry “performs” it and the two guys in masks do all the so-called singing. It’s more a vibe than a contest song, but the vibe is more “old men who should know better” than “Young teens on substances”.  11 juries placed this last – the most by a significant margin.

25^th Iceland – 0pts Jury , 33pts Televote

And almost like this doesn’t write itself … are the kids on substances, probably Café Hag and Skittles. No jury was ever going to vote for this because it’s fucking rubbish musically, and the middle-aged people on those juries would turn their noses up at it… but only the German Jury placed it in last place. The Pepsi generation didn’t like it, but the Haribo Starmix one clearly did. Well, in Scandinavia anyway, ‘cos they all gave it some points, but its average rank of 17^th with the televote ensured no wider appeal.

24^th Spain – 27pts Jury, 10pts Televote

My head wants to go “hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” which is precisely what I did when the 10 televotes came in, but that is force of habit. I don’t know how this one failed so spectacularly.  It looked great. The staging wasn’t that overblown. It wasn’t your typical Spanish flop, and it sounded perfect. It clearly just didn’t connect with the voters, as only Ireland with 1, Portugal with 6 and the nefarious “Rest of the world” with 3 gave it anything. Only Ukraine placed it last in the televote, but it was down in the late teens-early twenties with virtually everyone else. It averaged 20^th with Televote and Jury, so I guess they were in accord.

23^rd – Denmark – 45pts Jury, 2pts Televote     

See Spain for Maniacal laughter! I knew this song was awfully staged from the moment I saw the semifinal. Then, it didn’t need to be perfect, but in the final it needed to look less amateurish … which it spectacularly failed to do. Those two points, ladies and gays, Iceland as if you needed to ask at this point. Everyone else absolutely hated it. Last in six countries, and with an average of 21^st thus made for the third worst televoting performance overall. The UK Jury and the Greek Jury gave this 10 points (how?), but it picked up nothing else from its neighbours.

22^nd – Luxembourg – 23pts Jury, 24pts Televote

Luxembourg were ranked ahead of Denmark cos of those televotes. 24 beats 2 every time! This was just a fan song for a section of fandom that knows about Eurovision in the old days. My dad liked it though,, so it had a something, just not that much of a something to garner enough votes seemingly. It looked great and Laura’s voice was great – just better things to concentrate on I guess. Average jury rank of 16.19 including a plumb last from Germany. 18^th with the televoters with the Spanish ones placing it bottom.

21^st – Portugal – 37pts Jury , 13pts Televote.

How this even got out of the Semi Final bemuses me! This is possibly the turdiest song I have ever listened to. It’s the musical equivalent of Nytol (I think I used that in my countdown preview), but it’s just so damn slow and uninteresting. The juries didn’t think so, despite a pair of last places (from Australia and Belgium) and an average ranking of 16.31, it still picked up points for being “earnest” and any other platitude you’d like. Real people hated it. Three last places an an average rank of 22.33 is challenging the UK for the title of lowest televoting ranking … but for different reasons.

20^th – Armenia – 42pts Jury, 30pts Televote.

Everyone’s favourite sweaty Armenian singing a song written by Swedes.   Another universal shock qualifier – except in this house, where I loved him…eerm I mean the song! Energetic performance of a song that was not really aiming at anyone and missed almost everyone. Azerbaijan shockingly placed it in 26^th place (Can’t think why?!)) as did Poland, but its average ranking was 15.11 … so just a couple of places either way would have scored it some more points. Televoter wise, it was quite far away in most places, and the busy performance probably didn’t help matters. Average place of 17.97.

19^th  – United Kingdom – 86pts Jury, 0pts  Televote

This did considerably better than even the most gracious of predictors stated, no thanks to the televote component of which more shortly. That lovely Italian jury giving us a 12 points were clearly on the Chianti, but it doesn’t matter and despite the Lithuanian Jury placing us last we had fifteen sets of jury professionals put us in the top ten. However overall, only FIVE of the 179 eligible jurors thought it was the best – Not enough. Once again we failed miserably to connect with the real people coming last with seven countries, for an average televote placing of 22.78.

18^th –  Norway –  22pts Jury, 67pts Televote.

I said this all week, Kyle could not reach the high notes in the song with any consistency and that bore itself out on Friday night and Saturday. Saturday being better than Friday, and the jury scores reflect that too. A song with lyrics that make no sense, coupled with someone that cant hit the notes of their own song? – Professionals were never going to mark this very highly. 17.56. Televoters, however, saw a good-looking young man singing a song on stage with some fire and dancing, and didn’t care it was lyrically dodgy, and threw it some points.  Luxembourg thought it was the worst song on offer, and it ended with a ranking of 17.94.

More to come later in the week I would think!