Not the Eurovision Song Contest 2017

With the contest getting closer, we thought we’d brighten up your long weekend with a few of the ‘near misses’ that could have turned the 62nd contest into a very different beast. Sit back, enjoy, and get ready to gasp as we present a show that is very much NOT the Eurovision Song Contest 2017.

Just say no

The above little gem failed to make the Romanian National Final, but it deserves its moment in the Eurovision sun. How do you fend off the attention of someone you don’t much fancy? Just say no.

Yeah, about the actual song …

Loreen forgot to include a song in this year’s Swedish national selection, and inspired the biggest case of the emperor’s new clothes going. That said she really chucked everything at the stage and produced what would have made a jolly good interval act. Mostly because it’s only three minutes long, and doesn’t involve Michael Flatley. You know, I blame Jamala. She started this.

Ice ice baby

Ice cream baby, come and pick a flavour. Every now and then the Romanian audition tapes revealed a gem. This is one of those moments. You imagine she’s been told how great she is at doing ‘that scat thing’.

Be strong

Romania this year was the gift that just wouldn’t stop giving. Part of me thinks this was a piss take, but it’s still one you have to see. There’s a really long bit where he doesn’t sing, but boy can Dorel use the stage. I particularly like the bit where he sees someone count him back in.

Ignore the voices

This is a case of someone who should have listened when the voices in his head said ‘no, go home, don’t make a show of yourself’. You can’t just turn up and do a Rex Harrison by speaking your way through it.

Drop dead gorgeous

The Spice Girls, Girls Aloud, the Saturdays. What did they have in common? The group was better than the sum of its parts. Here’s a case where the girls can neither hack it solo or together. And they look to have turned up in their pants. Oh … and there’s a spoken bit. What a time to be alive.

Grey power

Remember when Russia sent a bunch of nans to Eurovision? Let’s be honest, they should have gone with that this time round. Fellow land of limited freedom Belarus very nearly copied them this year. In the end, it’s worked out fine and we’ve got Navi Band, but it could so very easily have been this.

And finally …

Alex Angel was certain he would make the Ukrainian national final. It’s a shame he missed out, since after all that’s gone on, we might not see the country at Eurovision for a while. Anyway, back to Alex. He’s clearly mad and this video is very NSFW.

Enjoy this performance in what looks like a Peterborough conference centre. Halfway through, you start to think what a shame it is that she couldn’t find matching bra and pants in the Kiev branch of Primark.

Of course, you know that none of these hopefuls have made it to the Big Show. OnEurope lands in Kiev on Sunday, 30 April, and we’ll be busy bringing you the day-by-day events. 

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